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We have had to start over after 2 years of parenting our RAD boy and not knowing that this was his situation. With the guidance of an Attatcment Therapist and Nancy Thomas, we have done just exactly what you said in your post. We sat him down and explained that "We are on to you ds. And things are going to be different now. We are strong parents who are not going to allow you to be in charge." Our therapist is GREAT at giving us the precise words to use in different situations, and the amazing thing is that instead of fighting us, ds feels safe by us being in TOTAL CONTROL of his every move. He is actually happiest when he is working doing chores that he has been told to do. This is a very scary parenting job that requires serious leaps of faith (many of them). But my best advice is do not let you child see your uncertainty. Learn how to "act" like everything you are doing/saying/deciding is completely intentional and planned. They need us to be in control. For me what works in those moments when I truly do not know what to do/say is to tell ds to sit on the sofa so he can get strong enough to talk about___________. this actually gives me the few minutes I need to regroup and come up with my plan, but he doesn't know this.
I have read Nancy Thomas "When Love is Not Enough" three times. Now I skim through different highlighted sections frequently, sometimes just to give me the strength to get through the day (or a particular moment).
Good luck and God bless you and your family!
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