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As a person with co-dependent tendencies, there are times when I have literally walked around my house saying "That's not MY problem." (Out loud.) As a pastor, I get to practice this a lot!!! It is sometimes even more difficult with my children I find.
My reunion with D has not been the painful one that you have experienced, mostly because I found D at a very good point in his life. He did express anger about me to his parents when they told him I had contacted him. He has not taken it out on me. (Again, I've been lucky... although truthfully I worry that the anger is there.)
Jannyroo, I encourage you to maintain your own boundaries. As others have pointed out, the anger is his to deal with not yours. He has made a good first step, but you will need to continue to maintain your boundaries. He probably won't change completely at once. It takes time. Be as calm as you can and tell him, that you can't (won't) converse with him when he's like that; he's welcome to call you when he can treat you with the respect you deserve.
Recognise that all of us (or at least most of us) have unrealistic expectations of our children. My husband just asked me if our son (raised by us) ever thanks me for being a good mother... the answer is no. It's Father's Day and D did call but he's still too busy telling us what we did wrong... I really don't expect my bson to be grateful to me for any of my decisions about him (although he did tell me his mom had told him I could have chosen to have an abortion.) Much as I would love to have D tell me he loves me, that's my need and not his responsibility. My only hope is that he has come to understand how much I do love him and care about him and his family.
Take each day as it comes and recognise that sometimes it's one step forward and two back!
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