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Originally Posted by Juliana13
I agree with lonni.
My heart goes out to you, for your heartache and your desire to love him. I can't offer much in the way of advice, but wanted to give you a (((HUG))).
He is a grown man, and must make his own choices. His choices and inability to handle this relationship well do NOT make you a failure. A counselor might be able to help you with your own emotions and issues, and give advice on appropriate boundaries and how to deal with him in healthy ways.
But it is obvious that you love him and want this to work. Good luck, and know that you are not a faliure. Do what you need to do to take care of youself. You aren't much good to him anyway, until you are okay yourself.
-Juliana
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Hi, thanks for your kind thoughts. I feel very beaten up at the minute. I do have counselling and she is great, she is a bmother herself and she emails me on top of the once a month sessions that the county council pay for, as she sees I'm struggling in what she sees as a successful reunion overall (14 months). As you say and she agrees too, that his inner child is rampant and he needs to get a grip on it and his drinking.
My counsellor has said that sometimes angry adult adoptees need it spelt out to them as to what you are going through and I did email him to explain to him that I was having neighbour problems, that I was thinking of him, but I was close to having a breakdown, especially with his previous behaviour.
I sent him the email yesterday as an olive branch outlining the awful time I'm having my end, and had no idea what he would do or say, or whether he'd even reply, so imagine my surprise when I had such a lovely response from him the next day. He was very supportive and amongst other things he said "I think its because you are my birth mother that I wanted you to feel and understand my pain desperately, to show that you understood and cared what I had been through, and I think I was acting out of emotion as opposed to thinking of how this would affect you and the fact that you are new at this.. being a mother for the first time.. I will take it easy with your emotions".
I am very encouraged by that, but will keep the option of him phoning me for the time (I changed numbers) out of reach until I can see him steady out and other aspects of my life change. As the responses to my thread have reassured me, I do love him (sometimes I feel I could just leave it, give up, the pressure is so intense, and move on with my life, as if) but these are the ups and downs of family life and I never had a family life myself. Lets hope that things improve. Its been an up and down time alright and I need some repair time now, as I feel utterly trashed by so many things.
Thanks for the support all of you, I don't know how I would cope without this website, its been so amazing and so helpful. Like I said to my son, for every ounce of calm and collectiveness I've shown him, I've need pounds of support and encouragement and strength myself!