[Jannyroo]

after 14 months since first contact, my son has finally made it so difficult for me to cope with his pain, that emotionally I've collapsed. After no effort from him whatsoever towards a 2nd meeting, and him phoning me up twice when he'd been drinking, I called the 2nd meeting off. He was unkind on the phone and it ended up with him putting the phone down on me.

For the past few weeks I just didn't want him in my life. Now I'm feeling a smidgen better, I've emailed him, but I'm close to breaking down.

I don't think I could have put it better than the post copied in part below:

Snow White
Your birthmom dealt with a lot of pain after giving you up and she probably can't deal with anymore pain. Your desire to have your birthmom care for your pain is too difficult for her, since she felt pain as well by giving you up. To restore your relationship, it would take a professional to help you both. Because alone in pain you both are easily swayed .....you are both hurting. Remember your birthmom is a mom for the first time right now and wants to do it right. She doesn't know how to parent someone older, like you. She never learned yet.

That is why is she no longer wants to be around you. You are too much pain for her. She loved you as a baby and did what she thought was best. Had you come back saying thank you, I had a wonderful life, she would have known that her pain was worth it. Now she may see that her pain was not worth it and in addition she has more pain to endure by watching your anger. To heal your pain, it will be better to do it through someone else.

Veronika[/quote]

I feel such a failure. At the minute, I'm having neighbour problems that have been ongoing for a year and am about to have a meeting with the Housing Trust and Police to see if a tenant can be evicted, coupled with trying to stay strong for my son and his anger and drink issues (last year it was drugs, but I'm hoping he's off those now after a scare last year), but I had to change my phone number. I had to protect myself from his unpleasantness when he drinks he knows he just isn't a nice person.

The mother in me wants to reunite with my son.
His amother is used to his outbursts and he thinks I should be able to as well. I can't. He needs to take responsibility for himself as a grown man now, but I only find child like reactions to his hurts.

Thanks for letting me vent. I've been so close to a breakdown; I've just emailed him to say hi and hope he understands, its all gotten too much.

So many of you seem strong and able to cope out there and I feel such a failure. He is such hard work and won't see an adoption counsellor, even though it would be free where he lives.

I can't handle him in my life but I don't want life without him either. Has anyone else been in this dreadful situation?