[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by plants

tlee 70 i to was put in an abusive adoptive home so i understand how it feels and then my birthmother didnt really want me either so that made me feel sad i wonder is there anything that a person like me can do to make myself feel better about being rejected by both parties

Plants -

I'm a bmom in reunion with bson. Reading one of your posts about your aparents ripped my guts out, I feel for you, I really do.


I do want to put some thoughts your way, but bear with me, because although you say your bmom doesn't really want you, I don't know all the details. But maybe you can relate to what I'm about to say.

My bson searched and found me. Intially the euphoria, then rapidly came the depthcharging of his life experiences, his responses to his adoption and other issues. He'd been put in boarding school (double rejection) and abused there by other pupils. He became anti-social and violent. He's been on drugs for at least the past 10 years and his drinking is getting in the way of us having a relationship, as I can't cope with the moods and unpleasant things he says when he's under the influence, but I do understand its his way of numbing life's pain.

Although he says he loves me and understands why I gave him up for adoption, his anger issues and his inability to cope with things including having met me, has made him turn on me and I can't handle it.

Having read the Primal Wound (Nancy Newton Verrier if you want to look) has given me valuable insights into my son, but all the same, I can't handle the effect that his drinking has on his moods and emotions and he took it out on me recently and it just blew me away. Its not that I don't want a relationship, but emotionally he could destroy me. Is it possible that your bmom has distanced herself for the same reason? Is it possible that a second chance may come your way/with my son & myself/ once those issues are worked through?

Plants - you have had such a bad experience and my son has such emotional damage, that he in effect is pushing away the very thing he wants. He expects me to be able to take anything he wants to put my way and emotionally I just can't, its taken me nearly 30 years to get some kind of emotional balance after being forced to relinquish him. Is it possible that your bmother is finding she can't cope with your anger over being adopted by such awful aparents?

Its a bmom's worst nightmare finding a son so emotionally damaged. In my case, in relinquishing my son, I hoped that he was given a great life - we reassure ourselves over the years, to help us cope with the suffering we go through for the rest of our lives (my experience and a lot of others) - my goodness, if my son found me and told me what you had been through, it would rip my guts out. I'm not sure how it would have slowed down or even made me stop during the reunion process, because reunion is a huge thing to handle anyway, even without the issues that clearly have affected you and him in a big way.

Are you able to empathise with this situation? If I'm totally down the wrong track, then forgive me, but perhaps all is not lost. What appears a rejection now may have chance to be recovered? I know I have to distance myself from my son for the minute and I don't know how long it will take for me to heal - both from being a bmother that never came to terms with losing her son and one that is almost overnight besieged by a son with such emotional problems that have made in nigh impossible for me to cope with. I'd like to, but I'm finding I can't.

I read a similar experience as yours in the national newspaper - a priest described his childhood and his vile father - his mother committed suicide, effectively leaving him to it. What he went through beggars belief. But the cruellest cut of all is that he found out at the age of 13 that they weren't his biological parents, he'd been adopted. I don't know your whole story, but like the other response to your post, I sincerely hope that like that (now) priest you get some relief. My heart goes out to you, i can understand why you are so angry and why you feel so. Keep posting, tell us how you are getting on... please.... perhaps some of the thoughts may be food for thought, but if not, I don't say anything to hurt you. I would however, like to know how you are.