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Originally Posted by jaenelle
Okay, well... this relationship you're forging doesn't seem to be including all of you on the same page as to what openness is desired. In a private adoption as well, I assume you would have had the right to decline this situation if you knew it didn't seem like what you want.
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Well, of course there is always the option to walk away, but it's not always that simple. I also wanted an open adoption, but ended up with a closed one. It's not an easy thing. . . I would love for my son to know his birthmom, or for her at least to pick up the letters and pictures I send to the agency. Openness was only one of the factors that was important to me, though. It was not a deal breaker for me, since I view openness as a benefit for the child. If I didn't adopt him, he would still end up in a closed adoption with someone else, so how have I benefitted him? In my earlier (failed) match, the mom also wanted a closed adoption. When the baby was born, the agency was able to persuade her to accept letters and pictures, and by the time of discharge, one visit a year. Although we disagreed on openness, I clicked with that mom on many levels, and we are still in contact, even though the adoption was not completed. My point is simply that I think it's perfectly appropriate to pursue an adoption relationship even though one of the many factors that are important to you may not turn out the way you wish. Especially when the factor is one like openness, which has the possibility of changing over time.
To answer the OP, I would just remind the mom that you strongly desire a fully open adoption, then leave it alone. She may come around. If you don't think she will, decide for yourself how critical the openness factor is for you.
G/L,
Char