Hello everyone!
Recently my family found out that my much younger, 15 y.o. sister is pregnant. As Christians my family and my sister are not considering abortion as an option. However, obviously, she is not emotionally capable of raising a baby on her own.
The situation still feels pretty surreal since we found out a little less than a week ago; however, I feel that the best thing to do is research the options with her now. Right now, she is waffling back-and-forth between adoption and raising the baby herself with my mom’s help.
Since this will be my first niece/nephew, I am reluctant to suggest adoption; however, I feel that this will be my sister’s best chance at finishing high school/college and living a full life. However, I am curious if she chooses adoption if she will feel guilt and regret for the rest of her life. This brings me to the reason for my posting… I am wondering if there are any birthmothers out there that would be willing to share their stories with me and my sister so that she can make an informed decision. My feeling is that the quicker she decides which option is best for her, the more time she will have to prepare herself emotionally for either decision.
I realize that everyone responds to situations in a different way, however, I am looking for answers to somewhat general questions. I am sorry if some of them seem obvious or silly to you, but please keep in mind that I am helping a 15 y.o. research. Specifically, these are the questions I have…
1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?
30 years this september
2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?
at birth
3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?
yes 2 boys after i was married ages no 19 and 23
4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?
no i don't think it did. i was happy about the pregnancies and births of both boys. i thought about the child i placed but knew that she was where she needed to be.
5. Have you participated in counseling?
there was some "counselling" at the "home" where i stayed but times were different then, they were helping us the way they thought best. If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?
I believe that what i did was right for me and my child and the "counselling" i received helped me live with that
6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby?
100%. For yourself?
I was 14 years old and my family basically let me decide butthey did help me understand that I was still a child myself and babies can't raise babies. I had a few fantasies about keeping my child and raising her with the help of my family but I finally realized that it woud not have been fair to any of us involved and that my child could lose out. Love is a wonderful thing but as much as we would all like to believe it, you have to have more to raise a child.
7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?
mostly positive. I won't lie and tell you that I have never thought about my child and what would have happened if I had kept her but I have to believe I did the right thing
8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)?
my adoption was totally closedAnd what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?
was not allowed any contact or information
9. Did you choose the adoptive family?
if choosing was allowed back in 1977, i wasn't aware of it. If so, how would you describe the process?
10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision?
as much as i could have been If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?
things are different now. there are so many choices and avenues that can be taken. i don't know that you can ever really be fully informed.
11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?
think about your child first, yourself second. everyone has opinions and ideas but your child and you are the ones that have to live with your decision.
12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?
be supportive. give your opinion when asked and give love all the time but again know that the birthmother has to make the final decision. telling her to keep the baby and the family helping to raise the child is great support but be sure that you (the family) are ready to follow through with that promise. At 15 she will still want to have a life, go out with friends, and date and she will need you to help her with her child at these times. However, you have to remember that it is her child and she needs to be responsible for that child so dating, shopping trips to the mall after school, and going to football games on friday nights can't always be options.
13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision?
i believe everyone who places a child for adoption feels some regret or guilt.If so, how do you cope?
I personally cope because of a memory I had while at the "home". Right after I had my daughter I returned to the "home", papers to sign, gather my things, final things having to be completed. After signing the adoption papers I sat upstairs looking out the window and I saw a couple come out of the adminstration building next door. The woman had shoulder length brown hair, that flipped out at the ends and was stairing so contently and happily at the baby she was carring in her arms. The husband had one arm around his wife and the other around the child she held in her arms. I told myself this is why I made the right decision. Look at the happiness all three of them are felling. They are a family, complete and whole. I have carried that memory with me all these years and it is what has helped me cope.
Thank you so much for your help in researching this option. God bless.
