That is really interesting about the special needs children. You're right, I always considered "special needs" things like down's syndrome, etc. It's one thing when you have that kind of thing delivered to you in a biological child, it's another to willingly choose it you know? (Although God bless anyone who has the mettle to adopt a child with those kinds of special issues).
The thing that initially opened myself up to adopting an older child, was a letter I read written by a little boy that said something like, "I wish I could shrink myself so that people would want to be my parents. Why do people think I will be bad and not listen? I would obey my parents and be good." I just wanted to cry. When I read the letter to my husband, I was surprised at how much it affected him, too! He said "Stop reading that stuff or we're going to end up with another child before we've even adjusted to having *this* one!"
I really love hearing your stories about how your blended families have worked out so well.
Lisa, that is shocking, the statistic about African-American boys. Where is that statistic from? I'd be very interested in seeing adoption statistics. Is the statistic even close to that for AA girls? That is very interesting, especially if it's true what was said about overall that boys are more often requested than girls. Kind of makes you think, huh?
And Lisa and Karen both, I can appreciate where you were coming from in adopting after having two biological children. That is part of my thinking as well, although I usually hesitate to say anything about overpopulation because I think loving and dedicated parents who choose to have several biological children do a great service as well. You both sound like two very special women with very special families, and your experiences are very interesting to me. Karen, when you brought home your toddlers from India, how did the language/culture development go? It's not really a factor for me in making the decision but I'm interested in hearing about how that went. I suppose at that age they were still young enough where there wasn't too much of a culture shock, but there must have been some?
I have only a single reservation about adopting outside my ethnicity - and that is my mother-in-law who is slightly racist. Not visciously so, but she is still racist. Before he met me, my husband was seriously dating a Chinese girl. It didn't work out, and at one point my mother-in-law said, "I'm so glad Michael married you - his last girlfriend was nice but I didn't like the idea of him marrying a Chinese girl." Eek! Ideally I would like to think that our WHOLE family would embrace an adopted child and treat him or her the same as they treat our biological daughter. My mother-in-law is really a good person, she just sometimes needs to be challenged, and I would like to think that if we adopted outside our race some of her ideas would melt away. (She expected her son to marry a Catholic, too, and when he didn't, though she was initially disappointed she has fully accepted me as a member of the family). I'd be interested in hearing from anyone who has adopted outside their race who has dealt with hurdles in the family, too. Other than that, we are in a very good position to adopt outside our ethnicity.. we live in a diverse area and are a part of a diverse religious community. My side of the family is also very diverse, and everyone is open to diverse family bonding and I have many family members on my side that are not biologically related to me or the same race (through step-parent relationships) I am only worried about my mother-in-law because who wants to give a kid a grandmother who might not accept them? She lives close and I would think it was especially unfair the way she dotes on our daughter. I suppose the only way would be once we are more serious about it, to confront her with the question directly.
Also agree that it must be nice not to deal with the infant phase. I guess some people love it, but like I said, as much as I love my little 4 month old and am having fun with her, babies have never been my favorite. What you said, Karen, about your experience with that institution in India is very encouraging. I guess that is my primary concern, that any older child I adopt have been the recipient of good care and love in infancy. My main reservation about adopting an older child was having to deal with a child who suffered issues of receiving near-neglect in infancy, as while those children probably need a family MORE I question whether I have the emotional resources to help a child like that heal.