[Archive]

Our last court date was February 4th. We were told that our baby who we brought home from the hospital at 8 days old would be going to live with her dad on the 28th of February. She's now 8 months old and the light of our life and one of the best things that has ever happened to us.

The pain of turning her over to her father is more than I could ever express with words. I couldn't do it. My partner had to come and get her from me and take her to the living room to him and the caseworker. I tried to get myself together enough to stay in the room, but it didn't last long. I kissed her goodbye and took my tears outside until she was gone. Our caseworker set up a visit for her and her sister (our 4yo foster daughter) for the 30th of March. How could I go a month without seeing her???

It wasn't necessary. The next day dad had his sister-in-law call us (he doesn't speak english), to make sure we were okay and to tell us we could come see her the next day. We went on Saturday and then again last Sunday. I'm so happy she hasn't forgotten us and that when we come in the room she just squeals and dives towards us. It's an amazing feeling.

When we were there last Sunday I told him (through SIL) that if he wanted to go out or anything that we'd be happy to watch her overnight. He said he didn't know if he had plans but she could come and spend the night either way. So if all goes well she'll get to come spend the night tomorrow. I can't tell you how happy I am about that.

As far as the baby goes I have to live for the moments I can have with her. It's not enough. I can't see her sleep, I can't hear her cry and sometimes at night I think I do. But, I am grateful for every second we have with her and equally grateful to her dad for not discounting us, our feelings, or our daughters love for all of us.

Our 4yo (soon to be 5 in two weeks) we thought would only be here for a week or two. It's now almost 9 months and at the Feb. 4th court date the judge REJECTED the permanent plan that the state offered. We were all shocked. He said that he couldn't believe that the grandmother has had all this time to do visits anytime she wanted to and she hasn't done anything to facilitate a move to her house. She has been told to not let the kids mom around her house and she's there all the time.

So the judge ordered grandma to do visits and she's only had one. The next one is next weekend when we'll meet in the middle and have a birthday party for 4yo. Grandma has her 7yo brother (removed at the same time) and her 11yo sister (been with grandma since birth). The worry is that our foster daughter is not as strong as they are and cannot handle her mothers irratic behavior (drugs) and coming in and out of her life. She hasn't seen her mom since November and has only asked about her once.

We have her therapist on our side. She thinks that she should remain with us and keep the bond with her baby sister and see her other siblings occassionally. She is even going to write a letter to the judge. Before the baby left our caseworker (she is a good one) took her to dinner and they talked about how many people loved her and that she had to decide where the best place for her was. 4yo then asked, well, what do you think? CW laughed and said I don't know right now and 4yo said, well I think with Ali and A...wow, we were surprised and so was CW. CW is on the fence because the state stresses the importance of a family placement. We'll see what happens.

Today was amazing. 4yo and I are driving to her therapy appointment and out of the blue she says, Ali, I wish you were my real mom...After I caught my breath and put the car back on the road (lol) I told her I was her real mommy and always would be not matter where she was. This from the child who used to scream for an hour or more and hit and kick and pull hair and throw things...she's come a long way baby...

Ali