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I started having trouble w/ my computer on that last posting.....and of course have long since forgotten where I was going...... but this site and talking to all of you kind enough to write me, and then reading lots of old posts.....well, I have been doing quite a lot of thinking.......it's embarrassing to admit, but boy, do I now know what I SHOULD have done for the years since Jason was born......
Not to mention, the interesting idea that bmoms shouldn't be put in the position of having to relinquish their child due to poverty. WHen Jason was born, I was falling deeper and deeper into debt, and despaired of ever being able to find a way to support myself, and I wasn't a kid, I was 32. lots of folks have got that figured out by then! So, when I read about firstmoms who were 16 or 17 I can REALLY understand how they didn't have any choice in the matter. BUt I will always feel bad that I hadn't figured out how to take care of me and Jason. (oh a fast forward footnote, I still haven't figured out how to support myself, it doesn't seem to be a talent I have)
BUt the biggest thing that I have trouble with is how cerebrally I approached the "fact" of Jason back then. I mean, I wasn't exactly cold, but because of my completely horrible situation, (there wasn't anything at all going right in my life before I even knew I was pregnant) I really was teetering on the thin edge of a nervous breakdown at the time. but I found out I was pregnant, and without even taking a breath, I knew that I was going to have to go the adoption route.....so right from the start, I guess I distanced myself from the whole situation.........and being the daughter of an OB/GYN doctor, I had developed a long time held fear, close to a phobia about being afraid of being pregnant and labor and delivery. It terrified me!
BUt I was absolutely serene in my conviction that adoption was the right thing for me, and my as yet unborn child. ANd that serenity stayed with me for many years.......but it was all in my head, that's where I had put it, I never let my heart in on it. It was easy....Jason had so much better a chance at life with the parents I picked out for him.........and so thought I for years.......Oh I still think they are wonderful people who deeply love and care for him, but with what I have been reading lately, I wish I had been bolder in being a bigger part of his life............I am not usually the kind of person who has regrets, I figure that I know I try to do the right thing the best I know how at the time I am in any situation.....but maybe if I had thought it out a little more .......or researched it a little more.........or maybe even if I had tried to think of him more effectively. (I often lost contact with the a parents because I was embarrassed about how badly MY life was going, and I should have remembered that it's not about me, it's about Jason) He's going through therapy right now searching for himself, I can't help but feel, if I had done this better, that he wouldn't be in that position..........I guess my mom taught me the ole "head in the sand" method of dealing with things a little too well........
The thing that keeps suprising me day in and day out for the last 6 months (dating from when I saw him and his work on the deviant art site) is how strong my feelings are. Maybe, it's because he's grown now, and I am taking for granted that he had been bonded with his aparents for many years now, so I couldn't accuse myself of dividing his loyalties. .............I don't know what it is, but I am almost blindsided by these feelings of love and loss, and despair (the fear that he'll never want to meet me or know me at all) ..............I suspect that perhaps they were there all along, but I stifled the bejabbers out of them, until they could no longer be denied.........OOH denial!!! ya think?
I don't know what I am asking here, maybe I just need to say the things that I have been saying in this thread. knowing me, I'll prolly have a few more thoughts on the subject and the uncontrollable urge to write them down.........and they'll prolly be on this thread in the not too distant future....................so thank you all for reading this and bearing with me one this unexpected journey of discovery about a subject that I thought I had under control a long time ago.
Oh here's a thought, my mom didn't ever want to hear about Jason, not once, right up until the year before she died, then she listened when I told her about him..........I was alone and 400 miles away from my family when he was born. and when things go bad for me I tend to, like the crab, whose sign I was born under, retreat deep into my shell, and no amount of poking will cause me to stir from my protective cover. and I had been hiding for more than a year in that shell, so I had effectively cut myself off from my friends too.
It was a dark and lonely time for me that winter in my little cabin on the winter creek, in that little town I lived in...............................
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