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Hi and thank for reading my letter, I don't know when he decided not to contact me, I put my name up on this site about 2 years ago, so it has been since then that he said he didn't want his a mom to get in contact with me. The reason that I was extra freaked out was that when Shirley and I had talked over the years, when he was young he didn't seem to have any animosity toward me, and frankly, I made a mistake in that I assumed that they would be talking about it as he grew up and that any problems he had with me, Shirley would call me and we could talk about it and iron out any confusion he might have had. I mean I really didn't want him to go through any feelings of rejection from me, I wanted him to know that it was my shortcomings that caused the adoption, if I had had my act together, I wouldn't have had to find a family for him. I wanted him to know all along that I loved him and thought of myself as a member of the family who couldn't for some reason, be around, but loved them all dearly from a distance. And that if he or his parents needed me I would always be there for them. questions, a kidney, whatever he needed. I always intended for us to be friends when he grew up, just didn't want to divide his loyalties as he grew up. I thought it could get hard for David anhd Shirley to be effective parents if I was in the picture too much.
Now I think I made a mistake in that. I should have been sending him birthday cards and christmas cards (and presents whenever I could!) but I didn't know that then, and I didn't have anyone to ask about it and he was born 24 years ago, and "open" adoption was a very new thing at the time and there were no guide lines that I knew about. And I am moderately media savy and paid attention whenever I found something about open adoption, and nothing led me to know what to do. I was just trying to do the right thing , first for Jason, then for his parents, and I came last.
What I didn't know either, was how bad it was gonna hurt, and that, that hurt would grow instead of diminish over the years. and that his rejection now would tear me apart the way it's doing!
I once read that "Birthmother never forget" and OMG it is so true.
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