[valleysally]

Hi, I tried to get some support from a different group and 99% of the site is people talking about anything but adoption, I had registered here a couple of years ago, when I had access to the internet for awhile, and only found this again when I googled my name, et voila!

The first time I found this site, I didn't know anything at all about the internet and how the diffferent sites worked, but this time I have a little more savy, and finally found one of the things I was looking for, people who are going through similar situations to what I am going through.

I found my son, sorta, I mean I know where he is and what he is doing. I have exchanged emails with his amom, (who I always got along with) oh shoot, maybe I better start at the beginning.

24 years ago, I was 32, and deep in trouble with my life. I was a struggling artist(photographer) and my father had died the year before, leaving no insurance, and it was his support that had enabled me to continue to try to make it as a professional... I was close, did some album covers and such, but when he died I was not able to figure out how to make a living without that support...... I hadn't had a period for more than a year (probably due to stress) and I finally decided to go to the free clinic in Oakland and it was there my to my suprise I found out I was pregnant. great, I had kicked out the father months before, he was a good guy, but I found out when we started to live together, he was an alcholic. I figured it was better to cut it off early.

My mom and I were estranged at the time and I was floored by the diagnosis. (oh Here's a hoot, my father had been an ob/gyn!) I was 6 months along when I got the news, and that day in the clinic, I talked to a counselor and she told me about open adoption. I knew I had found the right option for me. As I have so often said over the years, I don't trust the state to use my taxes correctly, no way was I going to turn my child over to them! So the counselor sent me a couple of letters and photos of couple looking to adopt.

I have 2 adopted cousins, one on each side of the family, and I know how doted on and loved and treasured they both are so I knew it would be the same for my child. Having failed at my life as an artist, I picked the engineer and his wife, rather than the art teacher, hoping my child wouldn't find art to be the pain it has been to me.

The couple were (and still are) so very nice, and they have a large extended family in the area, and I had the same and loved it when I was a child. So Jason was born (early, 3 1/2 lbs., but apgars of 8 and 10) and I knew he would be OK with these nice people.

The parents were so nice, we stayed in touch by phone, and they sent lots of photos, and when he was 11 months, they brought him up to my town for a visit and to get the quilt I had made for him.

SHirley told me a couple of cute questions that Jason had asked, he wanted to know the name of the "lady whose tummy I came out of" and when he heard it was Sally, he thought for a minute and then said he thought it was a nice name. The the next year, he expressed concern about whether or not I was a homeless person. And we had all agreed way back in the beginning to let Jason decide for himself whether or not he wanted to get in touch with me.

I also thought that it would be better for Jason not to have his loyalties divided and that I would pretty much stay out of his life, except for the phone calls with his amom. I regret that dececion with every fiber of my being. I don't regret the adoption, I couldn't even support myself, I was in no condition, emotionally, financially or spiritually ( my spirirt had been crushed when I couldn't figure out how to make a living as an artist, the thing I had trained for all my life)

When he was about a year old or so I moved back down to LA, and subsequently lived with, then married. It lasted 13 years, and at the end of it, it was a weird feeling to know that after living with me for 13 years, my ex didn't have a clue as to who I was.......we had no children. Jason is the only child I have ever had.

fast forward to the present, this last January. I had lost all my family by now, and was waiting for a tax refund so that I could move back to my beloved northern california. I was nearly broke, but had a nice laptop and I spent day after day in the library, hooked on the internet. I google Jasons name and it kept telling me "Deviant Art" I was looking for him in rock climbing sites cause I knew he was a world class competitive rock climber..... so finally I said to myself, fine I'll check it out .....and there he was.....he had become a photographer, also photographing bands....It is amazing how genes act! he was doing what I was doing 20something years ago.... He is good too!


Well, I promptly joined the site so that I could comment on his work, and leave him a note. I was high as a kite... there were a couple of self portraits and I printed out those and carry those around with me to this day, and I put my favorite on my computer screen so that he's there everytime I turn the computer on. I wrote him a couple of notes and commented on his photos, (said nice things about it but I was specific about what was good about his stuff, not just generic..."nice shot" kind of remarks)


Then I sat back and waited....and waited....and waited....and waited... nothing. The site tells you when your notes have been picked up, so I know that he picked up the first 3 ( they were pretty short ) and then he left the other 3 alone, they're still sitting there, unopened.

From dancing around happy to depths of unhappiness...... I kept asking myself and everyone I ran into ....why, how come he isn't answering????

Earlier this month, I finally found David and Shirleys' email site, and wrote them, (I had no street address) Shirley, bless her heart, didn't leave me hanging, I heard from fer the very next morning.

It was as I suspected, Jason wants nothing to do with me. Shirleys' sister found my name here, and that I was looking for them.....Shirley asked Jason if she could email me and let me know where they were, and he made it very clear that he did not want her to do that.

She told me that the only person that Jason might hate was Bush, he wasn't the kind of person who hated. BUt I have a sneaking suspicion that he said a lot more about what or why he didn't want to be in touch with me, but Shirley is trying to spare my feelings on the subject. It would be the kind of well-bred, gentle and considerant action that she would take.


So that's the story, the basic facts....but there is so much more going on than that, I shall write another time , this story is long enough for now.

I will close with this. I have waited for 24 years to be able to meet him and I have always hoped that we could be friends when he grew up.....And then to find out we shared a love of, and a profession even the same thing in that profession, well I thought that I had hit the jackpot..... we would have so much to talk about. not just the past, but what is going on in his life right now, and in a subject I actually had a fair amount of knowledge about. and then.......to find out that he, in essence, doesn't even want to know where I am and wants to hide from me.......my heart is breaking, I am close to tears, if not actually crying most of the time.

I am having a rough time finding the desire to continue....I have no one left in my family....and you can only talk about your son, the one who doesn't want anything to do with you, for so long with your friends...

The last 5 years of my life have been, well, grim would just about sum it up accurately, this last blow, well, I can be knocked to my knees only so many times before I lose the will to get up anymore. everytime I do, I just get knocked down again as soon as I start to recover a little bit. I'm getting punch drunk.

Anybody got any ideas how I can get through this?

It hurts just as bad as when I lost my sister, then a year and a half later my mother. and I have no more left in me to fight .