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Dear Brenda.
When I gave my son up for adoption I also gave up his brother and sister. He want to one home and they to another. I have been unable to look for the younger 2 because the youngest is still under 18. Now that I have been rejected by my oldest I am afraid to find the others. I am afraid to think of them but I still see them in other people. I work at a convince store and one of the women who comes in there often looks like what I imagine my daughter look like. The young woman is very nice and I have to remind myself that she is not the same age as my daughter every time I see her. The reason for this is I tend to wonder if it is possible that I see them everyday and don't know it. It's just one of the games my mind plays.
I do have one more child a girl who is 9 years old. I was afraid that I would be unable to handle more then one child so I got my tubes tied after she was born. A decision I regret terribly today.
I don't know much about the adoptive family except what I am told. I am told not to worry that they are OK with a reunion. I was told before the adoption was final that they never wanted to hear from me again. At that time all I wanted was a current picture of my children to make sure they were happy and safe. I knew that if I saw their eyes I would know if they were happy. Well, the pictures I was allowed to see but not keep were old ones by about a year so I really never was able to put my mind at ease that way. I just had to believe that God was taking care of them and keeping them safe and happy. When my son refused to write me back I had asked if any of his family would correspond with me. In my thinking I would be able to get to know them and they could get to know me that way we could see that neither one of us were contemptible or dangerous to the other. I was told that they would not write me because they were supporting my son in his decision to have no contact with me. To me this was like them saying that it is OK that he hurts me if he wants to and since he wants to we will too. I would never give my daughter the OK to hurt someone and I would never hurt someone for her benefit. Two wrongs don't make a right. Their decision to do this has given me a lot less respect for them and made me regret my decision to have them raise my child. But of course that doesn't matter to them because I don't matter to them.
All I know about his adoptive parents is that his adoptive father is a Baptist Minister and his wife is the secretary of the church where ever they may be. They have an older child. They lived in Kansas City, Missouri in 1982. I know this because I was told that when my son was born at Kansas City Memorial Hospital she worked there. In 1988 they were living in Oklahoma where he was getting his masters degree. That is when they adopted my child who was then 5. I try to think highly of them because they decided to adopt but it is hard to do that with the way they have treated me. I sometimes think that they decided to adopt to make themselves look good to what ever congregation would consider hiring them to lead them.
I know I am being hard on them but I don't know how else to take their rejection of me.
Toni
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