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I may get flamed myself. First off, I am NOT condoning ever, ever, ever abusing a child. It's wrong, wrong, wrong. OK?
However, I have been shocked to find out how many parents who adopt, especially overseas who are NOT prepared for any issues. I adopted twice, with two different agencies, neither required education on attachment or Post institutional issues. I educated myself, but neither agency required it. Neither agency attempted to educate me in the possible issues and about problems that could be there. I am close friends with a family who has a child in kinship care who has RAD, I have listened to countless stories. Honestly, I have now decided that I should not judge them until I have walked in thier shoes, not a similar style of shoes, but thier exact shoes. It's easy to say get help, I said it myself several times to other people.
Then I learned that if my own child's problems get worse, I will have to drive him 31/2 hours each way once a week to the closest attachment therapist. That means he would miss school once a week. That means because I would likly have issues with traffic and such that I would have to find someone to watch my other children after school that day. That means none of my children could participate in any activities that day of the week. My insurance would not cover the high cost of this therapy, nor the gas.
I spoke to the schools about the issue. (he does not appear to have RAD, but I wanted to be prepared, he does however have some issues that we are working on and hoping not to have to go this route) The school, did NOT understand, they were NOT supportive. They will not excuse one day a week of school. They beleive that he can be treated by a more local therapist in after school sessions if the need arises. The issues he does have they do NOT understand. He is a charming little guy who has them totally charmed.
I am no longer so glib, I now know that sometimes it's not so easy to just say, "get help". I have talked to families who were having trouble and thier adoption agencies would not return phone calls. I have heard families threatened when they talk about disruption. They are told they will never ever adopt and that any other children they have will be taken from them. They are told they are bad parents and bad people. They are made to feel like failures. I have only heard of a very few cases where the agency stepped in at all to help.
I remember talking to one family who had taken out a second mortgage and gone into debt to adopt two children. One had major issues when they got home. They were not prepared for this. They found they could not pay for the intensive therapy this child required. He needed to go to a treatment center as it was not safe for him to live in the home. Thier agency was no help. The house was forclosed on and they sold many of thier belongings to pay for the treatment for this child. The remaining child is doing well and thriving, in spite of the fact that they are now in a very small apartment. These people have wiped out thier retirement and are still deep in debt and are still trying to save thier son and help him. Getting help was very difficult for them. I can see how much harder it would be for someone who did not have the resources and dedication they had. I can see how someone would want to keep trying to parent and could loose thier temper. I am not condoning it, it's still wrong, but, I can see how it can happen. I see this as a wake up call. Parents need better education and also better resources.
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