If I can offer some advice on what helped us to cope with the fears yet still bond a great deal with V... To a prospective adoptive parent, the biggest fear is always the birthmother deciding to parent. But, something I had to keep in mind -- every single day -- was that this baby was still V's. I didn't become an adoptive mother until she became a birthmother -- and that was when the consent was signed two days after his birth.
She chose us to adopt her baby back in August. We attended doctor's appointments and I was thrilled the first time we heard the heartbeat, and when we found out it was a boy -- and I got outwardly excited and tearful, but at learning HER child was a boy with a strong heartbeat; he wasn't my son yet.
It's a tough road to walk and so very hard to keep straight... In our case, V was very strong on us being the parents -- even in the hospital, she made it clear to the hospital staff that while she was their patient, and that she had given birth, she wanted us to be acknowledged as the parents. But, even with that, I felt strange jumping up to change his diaper or to feed him -- which is what she wanted us to do. And, I wasn't comfortable calling the baby Allen until we left the hospital two days later, after the consent was signed. She originally named him differently, knowing we would change it (she kept our given first name was his official middle name), and she alternated by calling him her given name and the name we were going to name him. It wasn't until after we left the hospital that I called him Allen. It was then that I was his mom.
I feel Allen will only benefit by us bonding with V, especially to the extent that we did. We truly came to care about her, cried with her, laughed with her. We were there for his birth, not just physically, but emotionally because we had such a close relationship with V. It made everything that much better, and our experience so much more significant. One memory that stands out was when V and I were in her hospital room, just the two of us, and she was holding her baby (a day old at that point), and we held hands and cried togeter... It was bittersweet but touching at the same time -- that kind of moment only comes when you bond -- and it's a memory that still touches my heart.
I just wanted to share what helped us -- my prayers are with you as you go through the next few months... It's a rocky road sometimes, but in the end, it's absolutely amazing
Good luck..