Congratulations on your match! We were matched on August 22nd and our beautiful son was born on December 10th -- so we were matched about 3 1/2 months beforehand...
Our birthmother, "V", lived about 4 hours from us, and we used a facilitator who happened to live in the same town. We were present at the ultrasound appointment, and the facilitator helped her get to appointments, etc. When we first met, she wanted no contact after the birth. By the time Allen was finally born, she said she wouldn't mind updates and photos through the mail, so that's what we will be doing.
I must admit -- I was very cautious about getting too close when I first met V. Through no fault of hers, I was just afraid of getting too close to her. My husband was more worried about me bonding too much to V for fear that when the baby was born, and it was time to separate, that it would be too hard.
Our son was born 3 weeks ago, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss V. We started out talking once a week, then twice a week. Towards the end, we were talking every day. We had a unique situation, also, in that V was older than us (I'm 34, DH is 36 and V is 41) and has three other children (22, 20 and 9) so we would talk about raising children, parenting advice, etc. We also went up a few days before he was due to spend time with her and her 9 year old son.
While I miss her, I know it was V's wish and desire to move on after the birth, and to be updated only through letters and photos. While it's hard, I'm respectful of it. I'm also so busy being Allen's mom that while I must think of V 100 times a day, there is always something else that takes my attention away from it.
V was very clear about her desire to move on, to get her life back, etc. That doesn't mean she doesn't love her son -- but she knows he is loved and is being taken care of, and that's what she wanted. So that helps me to move on -- and knowing that helped me to be close with her during her pregnancy.
I'm glad that V and I became so close prior to Allen's birth. When Allen is older, I will be able to tell him things about his birthmother that most adoptive parents can't -- and those things came from our close relationship. I also never talked to V without a pen and paper nearby -- every tidbit of information she gave me I wrote down; some day, those things will be important to Allen.
My advice is to go with your heart, but don't fear a relationship with your child's birthmother. Keep healthy boundaries but never forget that this person is about to give you the biggest gift of your life -- the more you know her, and her thoughts and desires and wishes for your child's future, the better you'll all be in the long run.
Just my .02 cents
Good luck!
Karen
Wife to Steve
Mom to Allen (12/10/02)