Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Mandie moo
Have you talked with your older siblings, have they feelings to share with you. I imagine that they must have lived their whole lives wondering about you as well, I imagine that they have suppressed feelings that might need letting out.
May I ask you, did you and your first mom, go through many pull backs. Are there things that you feel could have made your relationship closer, stronger in the first years of reunion. Are there things that you feel that your first mom did you cause a drift between you both. thanks in advance for any response to these questions.
|
MM, I have had VERY honest conversations with my older siblings on these issues MANY times! We do not hold much back when it comes to the discussion of growing up apart. Much healing has come from these heartfelt talks. We all expereinced a profound loss because of our seperation and are quick to share stories and fears and longings. Just today, I was talking with my bsister and she said, "There are three days of my life before you came home that I would give anything to have had you there... They are the day I graduated from high school, the day I found it I was pregnant with my son and the day he was born!" We say everything to each other about this kind of stuff.
As for your other questions, yes my bmom and I went through MANY pullbacks. Things were very up and down for those first 8 years. I was 18 when we were first reuniting... graduating from high school, moving off to college, figuring out so many things. She was married and my youngest siblings were just babies. Both of us were terrified... I was afraid she'd leave me again (and would run away whenever I thought she was about to do that). She was afraid she was totally unworthy and had no right to be involved in my life (and she would pull away and hide whenever she left herself getting attached).
It was very difficult. We would talk for a few months and then disappear... then a year later talk again... may be visit and then not speak for a year (even though the visit went well). This pattern continued for years. What finally changed things for us was I called her and said, "I want you in my life. I need you in my life. I am only going to do this one more time... if you leave me again, I am never coming back. I need you to promise me now that you are in this! That you want this." We promised each other, no running away and we haven't!
You ask what my firstmom could have done early on to stablize things... without a doubt, for me: Stake a claim. Tell me that she wants me. Tell me that she needs me. Tell me that she missed me. I always wondered how she felt and if I had known how deeply she loved me I would not have "run" to protect myself. What caused the drifts between us? When I was afraid, I needed her to be the adult and chase me down and reassure me. She was afraid to and instead she just let me ago each time. For me that was the worst thing. I didn't need space... I needed her to find me. She was always giving me time and space because she felt she didn't have the right.