[PastorStephanie]

I am a 29 year old adoptee in relationship with my firstmom. We have a great relationship, a figuring things out stage (that lasted 8 years) and a very consistant stage for almost two years... several phone call/week and multiple trips to visit back and forth each year, despite the 800 mile distance. We have established a very family oriented flavor to our relationship. (I call her mom, she calls me her daughter, my siblings each call me sister). We do tons of family things together.

My first mom has 4 other children all of whom she raised herself (Ages 32, 26, 11 & 10). She is an amazing mom. The oldest two obviously know that I was reliquished for adoption and that we were not raised together. The youngest two do not understand this. They simply think that I was grown when they were born and off away at college or something!!?? They have drawn their own conclusions based on non-information from my firstmom. I often mention my other family, in casual converstation-which the kids assume is like my stepfamily. The two youngest make comments like, "Don't you remember from when you were going up that _____" or "Did you ever live in this house or were we living somewhere else when you were a kid?"

I have discussed this with my firstmom who admits that she has not explained what adoption really means to them although they may have heard the word "adopted". She does not think it necessary to explain it to the kids as I am "back now". I feel that this is unfair because it makes me look like I abandoned my brother and sister for the first 8-10 years of their lives, with no explaination. Not telling makes me the bad guy. I would NEVER say anything to them that my firstmom does not want said but I do feel cheated and forced to shoulder the burden of my unexplained absense in their lives. I feel like my previous absence is an issue for the kids because they do bring it up- randomly when frustrated with me. I feel like my first mom should have to take responsiblity for this.

Am I being overly sensitive? Should I accpet that I have been welcome back by the family and not worry about the details? What are your fears or hesitations when talking to your children about the child you reliquished?