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Jenna
I forgot to mention that the pent up emotions I was talking about were not anger, its love. I do not want to scare him with my love. I have lived fourteen years knowing I have a son but I cannot see him, I have lived fourteen years as a half of a person. The anger you are talking about is not at my son it is not at his parents it would be at the doctor who took my son and wouldnt let me see him, deemed me to young and to single to parent. This is my anger. I dont want to meet my son until I have control over myself, I would not want to be a blubbering mess of tears. I would not be able to stop myself from touching him. I have a picture of him now and goodness if he was in front of me I couldnt handle it, I would have an emotional break down, because of the love I feel, fourteen years of love that I have had to hide and feel guilty about. I went on to have three other children each a replacement for the one I lost, no I dont know how my other son will feel about me losing him yet going on to have three other children. I know that this is a point of guilt for me, something that I am not sure how to let go of. I feel horrible that I cannot for my other childrens sake, but this is why I go to councilling with them, so they can better understand me and I can better help them. Adoption has turned me into a withering mass of hurt, that is my life, but life goes on doesnt it. I dont know how many of you adoptive parents really understand the hurt and pain that we go through. I know some do, yet others have this possession thing, like they really truly believe we wanted them to have our children. This is why I asked my question, I dont know how my sons parents feel, and I want to know, knowing is understanding. If you block everything and pretend everything is rosey and okay then you are only kidding yourself. How are they going to explain to him after all these years of telling him I gave him out of love, that they are only his parents by default. That I didnt chose them? Do you not think he will be a might angry about that? Scary isnt it. I like the truth, sometimes it hurts but it is the truth and much easier to deal with than lies. I am happy that so many of you chose to help me with my question, I dont understand why his parents would be upset with me contacting them/him. I just dont understand and I dont think I ever will. Why is it that they call me selfish? when all I want to do is one day know the son I lost? What is so selfish about needing and wanting contact with someone who is a part of your family?
Hugs
Melissa
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