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Melissa, in reading your postings, I just kept thinking about how much anger I was getting from what you were writing. And your last posting told me that you already know that - which is great. I'm glad that you are already aware that you have all these emotions that you need to work through. I'm wondering if maybe those emotions aren't clouding what you're going through now. I don't know what the intermediary or your son's parents said or did to you, but I'm wondering if their firm stance wasn't taken the wrong way. As the mother of an adopted daughter, I would FREAK OUT if I saw an ad in the paper from her birth mother. Granted, my circumstances are VERY different, as my daughter's birth mother abused her. However, I can see that if your son's parents had heard negative things about you, they might feel very defensive, and want to 'head you off at the pass', so to speak. They may have wanted to contact you in order to prevent you from turning up on their doorstep. Not knowing you, I'm sure they had and still have no idea what you might do.
You say that you have already been in therapy, and I would strongly encourage you to return. You said yourself you have a lot of bottled-up emotions. And you're only 28 years old. You've got three kids, and you're going through all this - that's a LOT to handle. You could probably use an outlet. I'm afraid you may act out in ways that will alienate your son who was adopted, or cause his parents to alienate him from you. For example, you said you only wanted contact with his parents, but then you sent him a letter directly. I'm sure that signalled something to them. The most important thing is to keep a level head, despite the pain this is causing you, and to proceed with extreme caution.
I'm not trying to be rude to you, or to be harsh, I really do feel for you, and think that your heart is in the right place - but there are certain things that are just factual. The fact of the matter is that your son's parents have every right to prevent you from contacting him - they are his legal guardians. They may feel they are protecting him from something they believe to be true, whether it is or not. Your son is still a minor, and at 14, he absolutely is not old enough to make all his own decisions. This is something that could change his life dramatically, at a very impressionable and fragile time. As you know from raising your other kids, teens have a hard enough time without their long lost birthmom showing up. How will he feel about the fact that you have two other children you are raising? How will he feel that you have to be 100% committed to them? You can't ride to his rescue on a white horse, even though he may fantasize about that. You have a full life as well, and responsibilities you must uphold, as you have to-date. And what about the two children you are raising? How will they be affected, and how are they already affected by the way you are feeling about this situation?
You've done what you needed to do - you've made contact, let them know you are out there, and want your son to know that. And I'm sure, when he comes of age, if he wants, he will find you. There are so many avenues through which he can do so, when he has more maturity, and can better deal with the many issues your presence in his life will bring. For now, you need to get over the poor treatment you feel you received at the hands of the other people in your son's life - it will not help you in the least to hang on to that. Time may see your relationship with these same people become far more pleasant once they are secure enough to realize that you are not trying to 'steal' their son from them.
I do wish you luck, and I sincerely hope you can let go of the anger you are feeling - I know it must be so painful for you.
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