[ocracoke]

I think you are in a difficult place. You have no intention of hurting either your bfamily or your afamily but it seems to be happening anyway.

I am also an adult adoptee who searched and reunited. It honestly never occured to me that doing so would threathen my parents. A bit niave of me I guess. My amom was very open but my adad seemed to try to block my efforts subtly. My reunion was a disaster because my bmom refused to stop lying to me and refused to responsibiltiy for her actions. But during that time my amom kept encouraging me to see it through. I do not in any way regret searching even though it did not turn out well.

As an adoptive mom I can understand the threat the bfamily can seem at times. I remember when I was waiting for my daughter I kept thinking "this is my child -- not somebody elses child that I am just going to raise." When I found out who my child was going to be and the circumstances of her relinquishment I realized that this was "our" child. She was going to be affected by her bfamily just as much as me and even though I would never meet them we would always share a child (international adoption - bmom died and bdad is dying).

There could be any number of reasons for your aparents pulling back. Maybe they are thinking in a traditional way -- there is only room for one set of parents in your life -- so they feel you have picked her so they must take a back seat. While this is not true it does not mean that they do not think or feel it. Maybe they feel hurt or that they did everything for you and you are picking bfamily. Again this is not true. Maybe it is a control issue.

I am not sure exactly what you have tried. I tend to be a blunt straight forward person. I would likely sit down with them and explain how I was feeling, how things appeared to me, what I was willing to do about bfamily (remain in contact in your case), but that you felt like there was work to be done on the relationship with afamily. Tell them that you are willing to do it because you love them and respect them. But you will not sacrifice one part of your life for the other. And then ask them point blank what they are thinking and feeling and willing to do. Tell them you love them and the you love bmom. Tell them you have enough love, time and energy for all the parents in your life and you would really like them to accept your life for what it is.

I wish you luck with this.

Samantha