[PastorStephanie]

I am a 29 year old adult adoptee in reunion with my bmother and family. I am very confused about how my aparents are handling things and was hoping some of you could shed some light on the situation.

Here are the cliff notes: I have always known I was adopted. My aparents were pretty much the best parents ever. Nearly perfect... it was almost irritating=) My aparents were very open about my adoption until I was a teenager. Then everything suddenly became a secret. Stories became conflicting and everyone (my aparents and I) got anxious. I was first contacted by my bfamily when I was 18. This was something I always wanted. This was something they had always claimed to be comfortable with.

Right from the beginning of contact things were tough. My aparents insisted on the first meeting on their terms- that they be present the entire time and that it take place in our home. Even though I was now living 5 hours away in the college dorms. I was 18 and felt trapped so I agreed. It was too much. Too crowded. Too emotional. I felt too watched. My aparents wanted EVERYONE there- so they invited about 10 other people without my permission or knowledge. My bmom was overwhelmed too.

My bmom and I developed an "on" then "off" relationship for the next 9 years. My aparents would always ask if we were in contact. If we weren't they would say things like, "Hmm... some birthmother! Why can't she make up her mind. She is so flakey..." If we were they would act overly pleased yet abruptly end our conversation. I often cut off contact with my bmom because I felt that their behavior was a silent request to do so...

About a year and a half ago, my bmom and I made a commitment to not have any more "off's" in our relationship. I shared this with my aparents... they seemed ok with this development... acted sort of disconnected from it. I was slow to share much about my relationship with my bmom with my aparents because they immediately stopped asking about my bfamily after I told them about the whole commitment thing.

Things are going extremely well with me and my bmom. I occassionaly try to share stories with my aparents and they change the subject or end the conversation. I have tried to lovingly suggest that they may feel hurt by my relationship with my bmom and they admately deny that. None the less, my relationship with my aparents has changed A LOT in the last year and a half. I try to be extravagent with my affirmation towards them but they continually withdrawl. I feel like I am losing them. I have brought up the topic of "how are you feeling about my relationship with bmom" so many times it is awkward: Sent letters, brought it up over the phone, even flew back to my hometown to discuss it face to face. They insist they are fine but they are becoming more and more distant all the time. I don't believe that they would ever "abandon" me or "cut me out of their lives" but the withdrawing is really hurting me...

Does anyone have any sight into how bridge this gap?