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Our situation is not unsimilar- my son's bmom was a completely absent parent- no drugs or alchohol, but did have a history of abusive, dysfunctional family and diagnosed mental illness, so I'm talking from simliar experience, not just opinion.

You see there's info and there's info. Do 3 yr-olds need ALL the gory details? Absolutely not. But the fact of being adopted is a basic fact about one's existence, it's not something to be ashamed of, and it can be very traumatic to a child to have it "revealed" later in life like it's some dirty little secret or something you didn't want to tell.

Should you answer questions as they come? Absolutely- like I said, it will be a lifelong conversation and your child will ask questions as they are curious about specific questions. You don't have to have sit down and tell the whole story at once. Just start with the basic facts. It's much better if the child can never remember not knowing. It's not "ramming" being adopted down someone's throat to just tell them that they are adopted when they are young and then to answer other questions as they come. I'm not saying "Paint a red A on their forehead!" I'm saying tell them their own basic truth so they won't be traumatized by wondering why their own parents hid this info about them from them and shattering their trust in you. So some people haven't been traumatized by a later-in-life reveal...do you want to take that gamble with your child? Why hide truth?

The idea that a child should figure it out by noticing that there aren't baby pictures of them around the house and then decide there's something fishy they have to ask about makes no sense to me at all. Your child has to figure out there's a secret and then realize there's something to ask about? Why would you play a head game with your own child? Your child shouldn't have to figure out the mystery of their own past.

You, as the present parent, and the child, have done nothing to be ashamed of so there should be nothing to hide. The child has a birth father who didn't know how to be good daddy, so now so-and-so is your Daddy who lives with you and loves you and he's adopting you so he is legally your daddy as well. It's simple. And there's just no reason to put off that basic information. Not all the nasty details- just the basic info.

You are the parent and you should take the leadership and resonsiblity for sharing basic info about your own child with them- not lay the responsibility on the kid to figure it out and ask about it. You should absolutely answer questions as they come- but waiting for your kid to bring up the subject of "am I adopted?" is frankly ridiculous.

I really hope that you do budge on this, because sharing basic truth in a simple loving way and then continuing on as a loving happy family is not something to be afraid of and doesn't need putting off.

Our son has always known his basic info, and had access to pictures and we've answered questions as they've come and there's still things he doesn't know because there's been no need. But it's his story and the information belongs to him. It was not traumatic because he always knew that he had a birth mother who wasn't in his life, and a mommy who was in his life. It was nothing any of us had to be ashamed of. He's always been secure in his home and his life and will be heading off to college in the fall as one of the most confident, secure, exuberant, affectionate, loving, warm, and talented people I've ever known. The knowledge that he had a birth mother who was different from his mom, no matter what her dirty laundry was, has never hurt him. It's just his basic life story and he's okay with it and so are we.

Don't be afraid of basic truth, because then you'll teach your child to be afraid of truth or send the message that their past is something to hide or be ashamed of.

Yes, this is a support website but that doesn't mean always agreeing. My best friends are the ones who can make me cry with hard truth when I need it, not just tell me I'm always right. I believe that by encouraging you to just be open with one simple basic fact of truth about your child is supporting you in navigating step-parent adoption. The best advice I can give you is not to be afraid of truth and to lead your child with love and openness.