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Kali,
I think you've posted what so many of us feel/have felt. I know I've been irritated, even angry, that so many people who are otherwise completely rational, seem to think that, as adoptees, we should spend the rest of our lives feeling indebted.
In all honesty, though, I don't think most people think about it fully. They are simply trying to find something to say in response to finding out we're adopted, and "oh you must be so thankful that you have these wonderful people here who adopted you" seems like a safe thing to say.
I also think it stems from decades of social science literature that advanced the idea that any adoptee who expressed more than a mild interest in their life before adoption as being psychologically troubled. Any adoptee who wanted to know more than basic non-identifying information or, heaven forbid, actually wanted to locate their biological family, were considered neurotic products of unsuccessful adoptions. The adoption industry advocating telling adoptees "you don't need any other information. We gave you a new family and you should be happy with that. What's wrong with you? Don't you appreciate our efforts to make your life better? Do you want to hurt your aparents?" Basically the idea was to guilt adoptees out of searching. Unfortunately, the language has stuck, and many groups still try to guilt adoptees, particularly adult adoptees, out of demanding their equal right to know and possess all information pertaining to their birth.
We shouldn't feel guilty. We appreciate our aparents as much as biological children appreciate their parents (or not, as the case may be for either group). We also shouldn't allow others to continue to use outdated language. When someone asks if you feel grateful for your existence, grateful that you weren't aborted... I'd turn the question around and ask them the same thing. If and when someone asks me if I feel guilty about searching, I'll ask them if they feel guilty about conducting genealogical searches in their family... if they feel guilty about discovering their biological history. If they ask me why I think I should be able to "invade the privacy" of my birth family by demanding my original birth certificate, I'll ask them why they think they should be able to invade my privacy by trying to make my efforts to conduct a personal family genealogical search illegal through various legislation that is being proposed nationally (legislation that would seal adoption records for 99 years and criminalize searching).
Please don't read this post and assume I'm some militant, unhappy adoptee. The opposite is actually true. I'm just as tired as others of being relegated to the status of a second-class citizen; of not having the same rights as non-adopted adults; of forever being considered, in the eyes of the law, the adopted "child"; of people trying to continue to stygmatize "illegitimate" births... my "illegitimate" birth; of social attitudes that, despite the increased openness in adoptions, still try to make me feel ashamed of having been born under less than optimal circumstances.
For me, I try to assume people have best intentions, but at the same time I know it's my job to educate them a little better about the impact of their choice of words... because if I don't, who else will?
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