[crick]

First let me preface this by saying I do NOT want this to be a “bparent bashing” post/thread. It’s truly not about that at all, strictly my own vent/feelings. So I ask any replies to respect our fellow members and not discuss bparents in general…only your own situation.

Last week I got an email from my kids’ sw saying that she is working with another family to place a ½ sibling of my kids. They have the same bdad.

I responded letting her know she was free to pass on our contact info to the afamily in case they should ever want to have contact.

Today I get a reply saying that bdad is now in another state and she had talked to a family member who said that all total, bdad has fathered approx 12 kids. None of the kids are with him, all have been in the system at some point etc. She’s confirmed what she can with other people, so this isn’t a case of a “disgruntled family member” or anything.

I read the email and just got so upset! I’ve worked really hard at seeing and portraying him as a person who just couldn’t get it together or loved his kids and just couldn’t take care of them. I’ve been angry at the abuse my oldest suffered from him, but I’ve still tried to maintain a sense of respect if you will of his biological connection. Respect is not quite the right word, but you know what I mean. (I hope!) I’ve never bashed him when talking to the kids, I’ve been honest with them, but have never railed on him etc. I’ve never liked what he’s done as a father to my kids, and thought honestly I’d worked through my personal anger over this.

But today…I just want to smack him! Well, if I’m truly honest….a cattle prod is more what I have in mind. I don’t understand how he can keep fathering children that he has no intention of caring for or even giving a thought of. I don’t think he should get the title “father” at all, and coming from me, who has really tried to respect that connection/title, that really shows you how angry I am. I’m a person who believes the government shouldn’t have any control over our bodies, but now I’d be first in line to give him a vasectomy. I had thought to keep my mind open for future contact in case the kids have an interest, and now…why the heck would I facilitate that? Why would I want my kids hurt by this knowledge at all, that it’s pretty clear their bdad is not a person who cared for them or they’d want to know? I know logically that it’s not my place to decide that…if they choose to search, then they do, but emotionally….gah! To support that will take every ounce of whatever it takes and then some.

I’m not discussing anything with the kids right now of course. I’m too livid and would likely say mean things about him. That’s not their battle; it’s mine. But…I also know that there will be a time where they mention or ask about him. Now what do I say?? The usual “he loved you but couldn’t take care of you”….I can’t say that. Not only would it make me sick to hear those words coming out of MY mouth, but honestly…it’s not true. And how do I still respect their connection with him? He IS their bdad and I’ve always felt that was a big connection and it’s THEIRS. But now…I just can’t.

Any thoughts?