[sundara]

We adopted 4 kids (ages 8-13 at the time). They had an older 1/2 brother we were not asked about (he went to his bio-dad).

2 years later, Bmom & bdad get together & produce another kid that was taken into foster care. We were informed about this & I was able to confirm the story via internet since birthmom & bd filed for divorce & were ordered to pay support payments.

We asked our kids what they thought - first should we try? We also let them know that we might not have the opportunity because Bmom was in a different state than where TPR took place, and that state when I called did not care that she had already had 4 other kids TPR'd.

Our kids said no - this is their current family & the older two already felt parentified with the younger two due to fcare & neglect in bhome, and they did not want to be responsible for a baby too (even thought they knew that in this family it is the AParents who are responsible, not the kids).

We never were asked to take this baby, the baby went back to bmom & her new hubby, and you are right about bmoms - this one is in late 30's and she recently had yet another kid (makes a total of 7 kids for her, and 9 kids for bdad - only 4 of those are in-common, and those 4 are my kids!).

So, trust yourself. Do my kids want to meet their younger sister someday? YES! Are we worried about her being with bmom who has already proven her inability to take care of her kids? YES! Can we do anything else beside what we have already done? Maybe - but there are our kids' feelings to consider - not only about having another sibling, but they also worry (believe it or not) about (a) causing another kid to have to live in foster care, (b) having to experience the grief of losing a bio parent, no matter how bad, and (c) of depriving bio mom of another child, even if she is not very capable. My kids DO worry about their sister, but it is offset by these other concerns.

Combined with distance, cross-state issues, and the rules in different states about when DCFS can get involved, we are not able to take this on, and honestly, my DH and I were concerned about our age (nearly 50) - we adopted older children so as to be finished with child-rearing & college prior to retirement. Adding a 3-year old at this stage would definitely change those plans, which we are not willing to do unless there is a compelling reason. If there was clear evidence of abuse that we witnessed & could do something about, we might re-consider, but would rather see a child adopted into a family that is ready for a child this age & request contact on that family's terms.