[GenXMum]

It sounds like you've reached a point where you need to set some boundaries with the birth grandmother. First of all let me say that she in no way has any "right" to expect you to let her take the baby anywhere! My one year old daughter is not adopted but even I don't feel comfortable with my mother or mother-in-law taking my child anywhere at this age. Lots of mothers feel this way! My birth daughter is 13 but when I visit her, I also am visiting her family... I might spend some time alone with her at their home but there is no need for me to take her anywhere.

It does sound like the woman is experiencing grief over the adoption which can be quite deep (and yet that depth of feeling is still in the range of normal.) I sympathize with her like you do... but it's not your responsibility to fix her pain or to let her break boundaries that you wouldn't let your own family break... it sounds like post-adoption counseling would be very helpful for the birth grandmother.

Now as for dealing with birth great-grandmother... I know you don't want to hurt any feelings or ruffle her feathers.... but NOW is the time to educate her. If she is saying hurtful things and you don't start correcting her - it is not too long before your son will be able to start to understand what she is saying. If taking her aside and talking to her doesn't help then you might have to come to an even harder decision... although I hope it doesn't come to that. It's also not unreasonable of you to tell birth grandmother that you'd like to be asked before she brings other guests with her (such as birth great-grandmother.)

Remember, you are your child's mother and it's totally 100% reasonable that you protect your child's health, safety, and feelings. Try to think how you would handle the situation if it was your own grandmother or mother...and perhaps you will find some guidance on the right way to handle the situation.

Best Wishes!