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Originally Posted by BarbieSmith
1- in the adoption triad, *everyone* WINS with open adoption - especially the child! The child will have 2 major problems greatly lessened (problems that every adoptive child has): 1) they will not "fantasize" as much about how their life would have been had they not been placed for adoption
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I shudder anytime someone describes open adoption as a "*everyone* WINS" situation. Actually, there are losses all around. Open adoption does not remove the losses in adoption, it just gives people more, and true, information by which to process them. For an example, the adult adoptees in open adoptions I know do wonder what their life would be like, they just have more information. For some, this can be painful. For others it is a relief. The difference from a closed adoption adoptee is that they are able to build their fantasies around factual information. The fact remains that they had to be seperated from their first family to get their second one. There is no sugarcoating that.
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Originally Posted by BarbieSmith
2) they will wonder less as to *why* they were placed for adoption (most importantly, they will better understand that it was NOT *their* "fault" and that it was not that they were "unloveable" - because they will see that both the parents and the birth parents love them!)
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This latter is, indeed, one of the benefits. I do have to ask why you think they will wonder less why they were placed for adoption. Again, in the adoptees I know in open adoptions, I have seen the "why" revisited with every new cognitive stage.
Brandy, do you have a different experience?
As a birthmom I also have to say that the losses really overshadow the "wins", especially in the beginning. I had too many people negating my feelings of grief and loss because I "got to know where my child is and see them". That did not take away the ache night after night, nor did it keep me from wondering who my child would have become had I raised him. It also does not make the two weeks surrounding his birthday any easier. 22 years later I still struggle deeply.
I guess I find it really misleading to simplify open adoption in terms of it's benefits. Human relationships are complex and difficult, especially in situations where losses are not clearly defined and everyone's experience is so varied. I speak not only as a birthmom in an open adoption for the past 22.5 years, but also as a professional who has worked with hundreds of people involved in open adoptions. I just is not that simple. Even if it is worth it.