Home is where I'd start. I'd also recommend reading Nancy Thomas When Love is not Enough and Dandelion on my Pillow, Butcher knife beneath.
This is not ADHD behavior. Also, giving him that control will make him worse. There are ways to give control that still leave you in charge such as "Do you want Milk or juice" and "do you want to brush your teeth before or after you get ready for bed.
Sounds to me like you are not getting the truth from the SWer's about the issues.