[mommycalla]

Let me start by introducing myself. My partner and I are adopting 2 siblings, E, a 9 year old boy, and N, his 8 year old sister. They have been visiting us on weekends for almost a year, and moved in at the end of October. Things have been challenging, to say the least, and I think we just got in over our heads.
N has a history of abuse that we haven't had to deal with too much so far- though puberty will rock our world, I'm sure, and so far being in a setting with 2 mommies seems really good for her. She's having pretty normal issues, whining, clingy, etc... nothing I didn't expect.
E, on the other hand, is pushing me over the edge. He's ADHD and obviously has some other issues, though they haven't been diagnosed. He has temper tantrums, breaks things when he gets mad, kicks me, pouts, whines, lies, steals, hoards food... Last week he told me he wanted to die and tried to choke himself, at which point I called the social worker and he was hospitalized. He was inpatient for a week, and came home yesterday. He told the therapist he knew he shouldn't do it, he would never do it again, he's not sad anymore... everything he was supposed to say so they released him. Then this morning he did it again.
I told him he needed to clean his room (his sister was cleaning her room and I was cleaning the kitchen) so he got mad and started to break his toys. I began taking his toys away, explaining that if he wasn't going to be respectful, he didn't need the toys in his room. He tried to choke himself with his hands, then grabbed a belt and wrapped it around his neck. I got the belt away, calmed him down and proceeded to call the crisis line I was told to call if I was having difficulties.
When I called, I was told that he was probably just doing it to get attention, to be sure he was safe, and to "pick my battles" with him. She told me that giving him control, like saying his room needed to be cleaned 1 day a week, but letting him choose when to clean it, was really important. So, I am supposed to let him sit on the couch and watch tv while the rest of us are cleaning the house because he needs "control"? That seems like it would feed the monster, not tame him.
What are we doing? Have I gotten in completely over my head? Because of my relationship, my partner can't participate in "family therapy" until the adoption is final, so I'm navigating this sea of medical advice, social workers, paperwork, etc... alone. Any advice?