I am assuming that this is the Aparents' first baby. If so, the first few months are so exhausting physically on the Aparents, particularly on the Amom. She is up every few hours feeding the baby. The lack of sleep and the enormity of being 100% responsible for another human being can make any new mom (bio or adoptive) a little emotional. No matter how excited she is about becoming a new mom, this time period is difficult. Becoming a mother is a HUGE change for anyone.
On top of this, the Amom is just now bonding with the baby. Bio moms get 9 months to bond with their babies. The Amom is just starting out. This doesn't mean that she doesn't love him or her with all of her heart. It just means that, after years of waiting, she is finally getting to know the look, sounds, and even smell of her little one.
And, finally, new moms are bombarded by visitors and unsolicited advice. I felt like I had a revolving door as well-meaning friends and family members came to meet our long-awaited little boy. The first several weeks are like one big blur of little sleep, feeding the baby, changing diapers, and listening to hours of unsolicited advice about every single aspect of taking care of a baby. All I wanted was for everyone to go away and let me enjoy this long-awaited little blessing.
In my experience w/many new mom friends (all bio moms other than me), things calm down tremendously by the time the baby turns 3 months old. By then, many babies are sleeping through the night. The baby doesn't seem to be so "breakable." He/she can smile. The baby is more interactive and less "needy" than as a newborn. And, more importantly, the three-month mark is a milestone that makes you realize that you really can do this. You know what you are doing, and you aren't second-guessing yourself so much. You start to get back to "normal" again instead of being an overly tired, emotional woman.
I hope this sheds a little light about what is going on w/the Amom the first few months. It is a shame that this time period is so crazy on her end because it is such an incredibly emotional time for the birthmother. Despite all of the things I described above, I made the time to send pictures and letters to my son's birthmother (semi-open adoption) on the schedule I had agreed to. I found that I enjoyed the contact. After all, she is probably the only other person (well, other than his grandparents) who enjoys hearing about every little detail as much as I do!! To us, this child is the smartest, cutest, and best baby that ever graced the face of this earth!!
As far as practical advice goes, I agree w/the suggestion of writing a letter. I think it will be "best received" if you can wait until the baby is 3 months old. The Amom will be much less emotional and in a better state of mind to receive the letter in the manner you intend. However, if your heart is breaking and you need to talk to her about it sooner, than go for it. Let her know how your heart is breaking and that pictures/letters/visits will help you to heal. From the posts I read, communication seems to be key in fully open adoptions.
Good luck!!
- Faith