[swiftde]

I am really getting more and more discouraged. To make a long story short my 10 yr old fs was saying up til a month ago he wanted us to adopt him, the sooner the better. A couple of weeks ago he found out he would receive a new birth certificate listing us as his parents. He didn't like that, then our family therapists told us we should expect him to call us mom and dad, (a term of respect, not as a replacement for his birthmom). Now because of those 2 things he absolutely does not want to be adopted. He only thought adoption meant get rid of all the caseworkers, he never wanted us as parents. He says he has a permanent family, (his mom, who he is on longer allowed to see), he doesn't need us. He had been saying he just wanted to stay here because he knows he can't go live with his mom anymore, but he wants nothing more. Then the other day, he told me in front of his caseworker, that he would rather go live with his friend.
Yesterday I was trying to talk with him, to understand some of his feelings, and help him work thru some of them. I asked if he was ever afraid I would abandon him, his response was no, he actually wishes I would abandon him. (Had he been angry at the time, I could have understood and not taken it personally, but he wasn't angry so I did take it personally, even though I still know I shouldn't). He again made it very clear that he does not want us as parents.
Today at church the sermon was on children obeying parents and how parents should treat their children, not provoking them, disciplining, etc. The minute we got in the car my fs said even the pastor said we shouldn't make him call us mom and dad. Fs feels because we watched a Nancy Thomas video and she said all her kids call her mom, that is why we are now enforcing it. Actually it was because the therapist brought the video, and the therapist said we should be doing that. Besides when we adopt him, what is he going to call us? The thing the pastor said is parents should use the bible for guidance on parenting, not the latest book or video. I also pointed out to fs that the paster had also said "honor your father and mother". My fs then sd we aren't his parents and never will be. I was so upset and hurt that I just became quiet and told myself "I refuse to cry in front of this kid"
I also made a huge mistake to myself last night, I was on adoptuskids, or something like that site, and ran across stories from adoptees. All of them we kids expressing their thanks and gratitude to the families who adopted them. Right now I am feeling like I have the only ungrateful kid, and all other foster kids or adopted kids are thankful and appreciate what their new parents have done for them. Of course I know that is not true, because I have read a few posts from others here who also seem to have ungrateful kids, but it seems to be less of them. My problem right now is I am hurting so much by his rejection and lack of appreciation, that I feel myself shutting down towards him. I don't want anything to do with him right now, if he doesn't want me as a parent then fine, let him go back to the system I don't even care. I know that is wrong on my part, and I don't really feel that way or I wouldn't be crying about it. Can someone tell me how do I keep going on, when he is hurting me like this? Should I just give up, it is what he wants? Since he is only 10 he isn't old enough to make the final decision, but I feel like if we do go thru with the adoption, he may be angry and bitter with me for forcing him to do what he really doesn't want. So I don't know what to do.