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Originally Posted by loveajax
Janny, I hope you can build a nice, positive relationship with your son's a parents.
I also am in an open relationship with my DD's birth parents, but my DH is an adult adoptee. My Inlaws are just about the nicest, most supportive and secure people -- they have always encouraged their children to search for their birth parents if they want, etc. Do I think they may be a little "shocked" or "hurt" if DH establishes a relationship with his birth parents -- yes. I'm not saying that they won't be encouraging, etc., but I imagine it does sting a little bit when your child of forty years reaches out to another. So I definitely wouldn't take their lack of response (yet) as meaning anything.
Also, one other thing that I have seen that I think drives a parents crazy is if their kids then discuss all the "bad" parenting things they did to birth parents. I think that kids may do this to build up some kind of rapport with their birth parents and because of a sort of "romantacized" relationship with them. So I would take your son's statements about them with a grain of salt, and also, I think you should say strongly to your son that you think they have done a great job with him, etc. (Assuming that they have!! I'm not saying you are trying to undemine the relationship at all -- I'm sure you aren't. But I bet that would be a really great thing for the a parents to feel like you support them, etc.).
I hope you hear from them soon!! Good luck to you!
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Hi, thanks for your wishes. I received my first letter from my son's amom about 2 weeks ago and I was thrilled to read it, but sad too. It hit me hard just what a big part she plays in his life and I felt miniscule. She signed it love (first name) which was tender, but the letter told me how it is, and she spared nothing. He is selfish, immature and jobless and they wonder how he will support himself when "they are no more". He has good qualities (obviously) but he has yet to realise them she says.
[With the help of this website and Julie Baileys et al book, I can see between the lines and read where he is coming from, but I don't want to get overconfident and feel I know more than the parents that have devoted their lives to him.]
I was shocked in one way but kinda had the inkling that he had been a problem in one way or another. I have been on the end of his selfishness and disdain, but as you say, I have access to his emotions in a way his amom doesn't and I am not crowing over that. I feel for her all the time and wonder how best to respond to the son I have come to know. She knows him best in one way, as she has raised him 28 years, but its almost psychic the way we connect, so weird, and satisfying. Which is just as well, because I can never recapture what his amom had, that is, his childhood. I have photos and they caused great pain that took some time to absorb and feel comfortable with.
He could help (me) by being in contact each week as he did, before landing in hospital with an ecstasy reaction, but his amom was there to hold his hand and support him and I wasn't and I felt jealous over that. I know its natural, but I will NOT allow such feelings to alter or biase my response to her. I reached out to her and she reached back. That to me is great. I just have to work out these emotions, so that I can give the response she deserves.
I also wont allow my son to biase my feelings towards his aparents and try to divide us into us and them. He can moan if he likes, but at a certain point, hey, I've had enough of the bad news, lets have some good stuff eh?
i sincerely hope that this is the first step of building as good a relationship as I can with his aparents, I would like to meet them one day. They have loved unconditionally my son, their son, and love him very very much. That comforts me, in that I could never give him the life he deserved, but I now have to help him emotionally to get the peace he deserves, because adoption has affected him.
I will not go on a guilt trip on this anymore, been there, done that, but I will support him 110% through his problems to the best of my ability. His aparents are still coping and have not given up on him. I think with such parents and with the example I truly hope to give, this Triad situation could become peaceful ground for everyone involved. Love and ((((hugs )))