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First initial: R
Was the adoption of your placed child open or closed? Closed, went through an Agency
How many years separate your placed child from the first child you parented? 10 years, 8 months, 2 days
How was your pregnancy with your first parented child on an emotional level? I still felt ashamed and guilty
Were there things that you experienced emotionally that you did not know to expect or caught you off guard? Baby Showers, Family and Friends Excitement, Carrying a baby out of the hospital
How was your delivery with your first parented child? The second had to be induced, but I had her the same way as the first.
How did your hospital experience differ from the delivery and stay with your placed child? I had people come and visit...and bring flowers!!
During the first few weeks at home, did you find yourself thinking about your placed child? When? Why? How did you deal with those feelings? I was terrified when I left the hospital, I kept thinking someone was going to knock on the door and take her away from me. I found myself not trusting anyone, I was afraid someone would take her and I would never see her again. I constantly thought about my first daughter...I was reminded daily of the things I missed. Discussion of my feelings regarding my first daughter were to never be discussed, I was told to forget she ever existed. I never forgot...so I found myself surpressing again.
Did you find yourself either amazed at your parenting abilities or doubting yourself entirely due to the placement of your first child? Why? How did you deal with these thoughts and feelings? I amaze myself sometimes and realize I could have parented my first daughter. I also find myself doubting my parenting abilities, I catch myself saying I wasn't good enough for the first one what makes me think I'm good enough for the second. I do distance myself emotionally from my second daughter at times...I don't mean to. I also will fight to the bitter end to keep my second daughter protected from anyone who would take her from me or cause harm to her. I have kept these feelings to myself until I found my "Sistas"
Did your success as a parent bring up any new emotions that you hadn't experienced prior to the birth of your first parented child? Did you feel angry with yourself or others involved in your adoption? I was very angry with myself and the people involved in life at the time of the adoption. I could of parented my first child!!
Did the feelings further solidify the decision that placement was the right option for your situation? At times I know I did the right thing, my first daughter appears to have a wonderful life I couldn't provide. Other times I wish I would of parented. A piece of me is gone.
As your child grew, did your parented child's new milestones and life experiences bring up emotions? How did you deal with them? I would find myself tearing up because I missed this or I missed that. It did get to a point to where I had to distance myself from everyone...hiding behind a wall seemed to be the best coping mechanism I had, until it all came to a head last July.
Did you/Do you have someone to discuss these kinds of topics with? During your pregnancy? As you continue to parent? If not, what do you do with these emotions? I had no one to discuss these things with until I finally stepped out of the "Birthmother Closet". I tried to discuss it through the years, but I would always be told I'm supposed to forget. I even had therapist that tried to label me with illnesses so they could keep me medicated so I couldn't feel anymore.
What, if any, advice do you have for birthmothers looking to add to their family? Have a suuport group. Make sure you have someone who will be a shoulder to cry on and be your cheerleader when you need it. Whatever you do, don't bury yourself behind a wall or a mask. Just because you chose not to parent doesn't mean you are not worthy of parenting later. You are not alone and don't let anyone make you feel like there is something wrong with you.
Feel free to add anything you wish here: I hope one DD will decide to reunite.
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