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Hi Countrycharms!!!
Wow!
What a great question!! Unfortunately I don't think there are any "magical solutions" to making all of the hurt and pain go away. You are right that there will always be a tiny part of that foster (or in many cases biological as well) family with your newly adopted child.
The experience that I have is not with foster families as my two girls were 4 and 2 1/2 when we got them and had been back and forth from home and 3 different foster families before we got them. They are now 7 and 5 and we adopted them last December.
I think a good place to start would be to look at what you and your family are comfortable with. In our home it is very important to be as positive as we can about the fact that the girls biological mom, for instance is still out there. (We also have a 20 month old sibling of theirs whom we have had since birth and is still in foster care and involved with biomom so that only compounds things on this end) We are truthful about the fact that she is not able to provide a stable life for them at this point in time, but that certainly does not mean that she is not capable of loving them and so we acknowledge their feelings of pain and hurt and resentment and their love for her as being okay - It is okay for them to still love her -- they always will!! It is okay for them to want to see her or be involved with her -- but right now she is not at a time in her life where she is stable enough for us to give her that opportunity. I have told my oldest daughter that when she is older (around 17 or so) I will help her search for her mom if she wants to be involved with her again. It is all a personal decision dependant upon how you feel about it. It is a tough call and there are no right or wrong answers.
I can see with a good foster family the approach might be a little bit different. It would be difficult to create a reason why the ties must be severed completely. Are you having any contact at all with this family? Perhaps it would help to let them write to or call or something similar to that. Also, letting your child know that this family did care about them and are sad/missing them but they also want your children to be happy and successful. Sometimes they just need that validation that they weren't just cast aside or "not wanted".
The best thing you can do right now, though, is to be open with your children about how they feel and let them know that it is okay to feel the way that they do. The fact that they are openly grieving and not internalizing it is a very healthy sign. It will all take time and all of the troubles do not go away once the adoption is final!!! The bond that they created with that foster family would be one similar to or even as strong as a biological family bonding depending upon how long they were with this other family. Empathize and be there. I think they will respect you for it in the end!!!!
I think it is great that you are adopting a hearing impaired child. We have been looking to foster/adopt one here in Ohio and haven't had too much luck. My parents are deaf and I grew up signing. I am really hoping that we are able to foster/adopt a deaf child at some point in the future!!! Do you know sign language - does your daughter sign? You can get her through it, too, it just may take a little more effort!!!
I hope I've helped a little. Feel free to contact me directly if you would like, and hang in there!!!!
Best,
Karen Ferrell
Moderator
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