[sak9645]

Many people, including me, are not wholly comfortable with choosing their own child.

In my case, if I had been allowed to wander through my daughter's orphanage and pick a child, I doubt that I ever would have selected my daughter. When I met her, she was tiny (17 lb. at 18.5 mo.), pale, lacking in muscle tone, and full of minor "bugs." She was also emotionally shut down from shock and worry, to the point where she was like a little robot. Yet passing over this child would have been the worst mistake of my life. My daughter, now age 7, is very healthy, beautiful, loving and empathic, and quite intelligent and successful at school. She fits into my extended family as if she were born into it. I can't picture loving any child more than I love her; she is truly the child of my dreams.

And the reverse is sometimes true. Many parents know little of medicine. They pick a child who rushes up to them and gives them a hug, not understanding that the child who gives indiscriminate affection may well have a serious attachment disorder. They pick a child with a cute and distinctive face that, alas, has the features that are a dead giveaway for fetal alcohol syndrome. They pick a child without realizing that the medical report indicates he/she is taking a potent anti-seizure drug and, therefore, without knowing why and what the implications are for their ability to parent him/her. They ask about AIDS, but fail to ask about Hepatitis B, which can cause serious liver problems in some cases, and which is not curable at present.

Many parents also pick a child without really thinking through some underlying issues. The baby of Latin/indigenous peoples origin may look light-skinned, for example; however, many such babies darken up substantially as they grow older. Parenting a child who looks different from you is wonderful; I know, as I am Caucasian and my daughter is Asian. However, you really need to recognize how "visible" you will be, how everyone will know how you formed your family, and how you will be asked the most personal of questions in the checkout line at the supermarket. You also need to recognize the racism in our society and, possibly, in your own family, and be prepared to raise a child who can maintain a healthy self-image.

Countries that ask a family to come there and select a child also may not understand the importance of having a family review a child's history in a comfortable and familiar setting, and in a setting where the prospective parents can check out resources in their community for dealing with potential problems. When you travel overseas, you may be jet lagged and stressed, with an unsettled stomach from unfamiliar foods, and so on. You must contact your family, your doctor, your local adoption support group by e-mail or phone, and may not really be able to spend large amounts of time discussing a particular child's situation before making a decision.

Unfortunately, there have also been cases where individuals have gone to a country to select a child, having been assured by a facilitator that they can get a healthy infant. When they get there, they find that only older or special needs kids are available. They face the choice of either going home without a child, having spent thousands of dollars, or agreeing to adopt a child whom they have not been well prepared to parent.

I am a single person, so I don't have personal experience with the family dynamic of choosing a child when you are a married couple. However, I wonder what would happen on an adoption trip if one partner really wanted a certain child and the other had reservations, but finally gave in to the first one. Suppose that, upon arriving home, the child was found to have a significant mental or physical problem. Would there be guilt and recriminations? Would the marriage be strained beyond the strains imposed by having, unexpectedly, a special needs child?

Overall, I would rather work with a country that carefully selects a child, as China does, cognizant of my needs and wishes, and with a highly ethical agency that applies sound social work principles in guiding me to the child that is right for me.

I also understand that bonding is not always instantaneous, even with bio kids. Many a biological Mom has looked at the red, screaming infant she just delivered and thought it looked more like the monkey in the zoo than like her family. Many a biological Mom has looked at her newborn and wondered why the Hell she went through nine tough months of pregnancy.

With bio and adoptive families, kids are "hard-wired" to relate to a parent and parents are "hard-wired" to respond to children. In almost all cases, bonding will occur within days or weeks. And attachment, itself, actually develops over a period of years. The feeling of love for your child that may arise when you first see him/her after birth or adoption, even if very strong, is nothing compared to the feeling that will develop over time.

So a parent shouldn't worry about feeling very little upon a first meeting with a child. It doesn't always happen that way, even in the delivery room. It certainly is less likely to happen when you are overseas, having slept little and worried greatly.