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But Kathy, you never said, did you ever find your son, or did he find you? Are you reunited?
One thing that stood out to me was when you said you didn't want your mom to raise your child. I got pregnant in 1969, I was still in high school, anyway, I kept trying to find arguments to convince my mother to let me keep my baby. I remember at one point her saying something that gave me a picture of what it would have been like if I was allowed to take my baby home...she would have totally taken over. She kept saying she was too old to raise another child, I told her she wouldn't raise him, I would but she just looked at me like I had two heads. She told me I was crazy...I couldn't raise a baby!!! What did I know about babies??? She said she would wind up doing ever thing anyway and knowing my mom, she wouldn't let me raise that baby. When my younger sister got married and had her first child my mother drove her crazy and she wasn't a teenager, she was a married woman but you see, my mom knows how to do things the right way....we don't. My mom is a control freak, very mentally and verbally abusive, and back then she probably would have hit my baby for I got hit all the time when I was growing up.
I remember thinking that one day, when I was reunited with my son, I'd explain to him about his grandmother, that she would have been the one who really raised him, not because I wanted it that way but because she would have done it that way. I remember thinking that once he met her he wouldn't be mad at me for giving him up, he would probably have thanked me, even though it wasn't my decision. The thought of her raising him made it a little easier for me to give him up (not really, I was hysterical the day I had to leave him behind).
I was also wondering if you regret your decision now? I regret losing my son so much. I will die regretting it, even though it wasn't my decision, I now think that I was his mother and I should have fought harder to keep him. I should have screamed and kicked, I should have told everyone that they were taking my baby against my will. I should have called the local paper, I should have put up fliers, I was his mother, in the end it was my responsibility and I let him down. I know realize that money, and having two parents isn't wants important...family is important, blood is important, the bond which is already formed by the time our babies were born was important. It's important to uphold the sacred bond between mother and child and I just stood back and let them take my baby away and give it to strangers. I wouldn't leave a child with a stranger for 5 seconds but I left my baby behind with strangers...it was wrong and now I have to live with that.
Denise
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