[krissy88]

I am a 23 year old adopted at the age of 6 months. My b-mom found me at the age of 17, after my a-mom had passed away.

To make a long story short, I did something similar to your b-daughter. I talked to her for a short time and then I did not have the urge to tlk to her again. An a-child feels a tremendous amount of pressure when she feels she has to choose between her a-parents and b-parents/mother. Those parents are the only ones she has known and grown to love. When someone else steps into her life saying how much they love her and would not change anything, etc....it's hard to deal with. No one likes the feeling of abandonment and she may feel like it will happen again.

I am positive she is just putting a wall up to protect herself. She will come around but you HAVE to giveher time!!! MAybe write her one more letter to let her kow you will let her make the move wheb she is ready and you will always be there. Trust me, it was the best thing my b-mom did for me.



QUOTE]Originally posted by Mihija
I write this letter in hopes that some of you might help me understand any reservations my b-daughter might be having, in meeting with my family and I.
Last year I ask the b-father for his help in locating her. We found her in early Spring of this year. We wrote her parents and they seemed friendly and supportive of a relationship but ask us not to contact our b-daughter directly. She was still a minor then, so we agreed with, and respected their wishes. However, after many delays in communication, the b-father no longer felt the need to do so. The a-parents had failed to comply with the original adoption agreements, by closing off communication and were, in his opinion, still blocking us by delaying information. He then, contacted our b-daughter by e-mail and caused some friction, in our relationship with her parents. I was upset with his choice as well, but I feel that much of this has been resolved, through letters with the a-mom and an a-father to b-father phone call. The result has been several letters from our b-daughter and a few from her a-mom as well as a few photos. This has been a wonderful gift to both my family and that of the b-dad's but there have been some glitches that I don't understand.
After a half dozen letters from b-daughter to both the b-dad and myself and one to each of my children and my husband, she has stopped writing. It's been two months now. I assume, after just turning 18 in August, that she needs some time to reevaluate what she is feeling. It's a tough time of life for any child and probably doubly so, when being hit with this. Her parents didn't give her any of the things I sent with her when she was adopted, explaining why we chose to give her up and giving her answers to many of the questions she would wonder about, over the years. She got all of these letters, audio tapes and gifts, after the b-father contacted her by mail. She then asked her parents about it and was given everything. That's a lot for a young girl to try and assimilate all at once. I think she needs time, but my children (son-13/daughter-11) are pressuring me to let them write to her again. They have been VERY excited about sending and receiving mail from her. My thoughts were to contact her parents and ask their advice but I have not heard from them in more than four months and I'm a bit reluctant. What are some of you adoptive parents thoughts on how to state a non threatening letter, asking if the she is doing is OK with all this? I don't want it to seem as though I think they are not doing their job. They have my utmost respect and gratitude for what they have done for both my b-daughter and the other daughter they adopted and raised. I've no idea what is going on or what, if anything, I should do. Should I leave her alone and wait on her timeline or is she feeling very nervous about writing to us and needs our reassurance that we all want to be a part of her life. Is she resenting the children I've kept, or me for keeping them and not her? Is she just dealing with being 18 and has her, very age appropriate, self-indulgent, hands full? My b-daughter has always been a desired and loved part of our family in such ways as, telling my kids from the time they were small that they had another sister that they would someday get to meet. We hang a stocking for her at Christmas and celebrate her birthday each year. Maybe I was wrong in making her such a big part of our lives but to my children, she is their sister. After reading some of these sibling horror stories I am afraid for them. Any ideas? I recently wrote b-daughter a 'chatty', no pressure letter, giving her and update on our family and what we have been doing the last few months and that we would always be here for her. I also wanted to reassure her in some way. This is a quote from my letter to her.

"I, of course, made many miscalculations in the choices I made as a young woman and you may, as well. Hopefully you're smarter than I was and let God guide you in your options. Though you can learn a lot from those difficult decisions, they can be very painful lessons. Even still, as I look back, I wouldn't change ANYTHING. Wonderful things have come from choices I made then. You are one of the best of them. Though I never planed for you to happen, I have never regretted your being born. I guess I just wanted you to know that because I don't want you thinking you were just this mistake your birthfather and I made, 18 years ago. There is a big difference in intending to get pregnant(I didn't) and regretting that I was pregnant.(I NEVER, for even one moment, regretted your presence in my life) You were loved from the first moment I realized that you were with me. I hope you can believe that. You were like this amazing gift that changed my life for the better. I can't even imagine who I'd be right now if you hadn't come into my life. I know this sounds a little crazy, but I just wanted to thank you for that."

Still no response or acknowledgement that she received the letter. I just need to know that she is OK, or at least will be OK, given time. My children are old enough to understand this and are resigned, if not content to wait, but they sense my anxiety too. My husband is very supportive and the b-father and I are renewing our friendship through e-mail but I could use some input from those who actually understand what I'm going through.
If you made it with me this far, thank you for listening. I feel a little better just saying it. [/quote]