[kakuehl]

I worry a bit sometimes, because I tend to post all over the boards, when I see a thread I relate to in some way. I'm not always sure my point of view will be welcomed because I'm not from the "right" side of the triad for the thread.

I was recently (today) thinking about starting a thread for birth/first mothers in reunion and the similarities with first mothers in open adoptions.

After 33 years of not knowing, I found that my firstborn son is very much alive - and interested in a relationship. With that, my life changed. Now the challenge is to negotiate the minefield of this new relationship. Just like birthparents in an open adoption, I am not the custodial parent. (Not that a 33 yr old has a custodian - other than his wife! LOL) I am not the mother who raised him. I can answer his questions, be there for him, love him (as always). I can't tell him what to do in the way my mother said to me: "When I'm 70 and you're 50, I'll still be your mother and I'll still tell you what to do." (S can, although he may choose to ignore her!)

In some ways, Jenna, I feel some of what you express when you have a visit with Munchkin coming up: excited, nervous, insecure. While we are older, our relationship is still very new. In some ways we're in the smae place in our relationship except that in my case it's D who decides the amount of contact while in yours it's the parents. At the same time I love the way the contact enriches all our lives... all my children and grandchildren now have more siblings and niece/nephews and cousins etc. The fact that part of them call me Kathy and the rest Mom or Nana doesn't really matter.

I sometimes envy those who have experienced open adoption for two reasons. The first of course is because they get periodic updates on their children. (I cherish the pictures of D as a child that have been shared with me since reunion.) The second is that I admire (envy) the ability to spend time and deal with the grief of not parenting/ walking away each time. I'm truly not sure I could have/ would have chosen a fully open adoption if I'd had that option.

As has been noted by others, while we may experience apparently identical situations, all of us are unique and so none of us will ever have an identical experience of being a birth/first parent.

Jenna, I'm sorry you have felt unwelcome. It seems to me that the strength of these forums is that we support one another.