[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by browneyes0707

So you're not alone. I would think it's pretty normal to feel that way. I think it's great that you can recognize it and express it here, so that it doesn't fester into something that could harm the relationship. I'm finding as well that there aren't may people outside of the adoption "triad" that can truly understand the situation, especially open adoptions, but I think it's great that your committed to making it work!!

((Browneyes)) Thanks for sharing!!! Thanks for saying you feel it's normal. At times, I still struggle with this also. It really helps to talk about it so that we know we are not alone. It's hard to be honest with one another, but when we are, it's a good thing so we each know how the other is feeling.

Thank you ((teegraincal)) for talking about this and starting this thread. You have helped me by posting this also.

Originally Posted by teegrainca

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I feel selfish and silly. I love our daughter and want her to be healthy and happy physically and emotionally... and I think we are doing our best at helping her be that by choosing an open adoption. I would never share these feelings with her birth family... I wouldn't want them to feel uncomfortable expressing themselves. I guess I just wonder if anyone else feels the way I do from time to time... and if I am going to have to fight these demons for the next... rest of my life.

I have been and remain totally committed to open adoption, even though I don't find it easy all of the time. Is there anyone who has felt the way I do? Do you have any words of advice?

I feel exactly the way you do. It come and goes. With my dd adoption now at 5 years, things are very easy between us but with my son's adoption which is now our second year, it's still very hard for me and I fight the feelings like you do teegrainca

Originally Posted by bromanchik

The following was written by on of my favorite adoptive mothers/friend. I think it might speak to you in a way I cannot.



This severing, this incision made in "motherness" brings everyone deep pain. I do not usually talk about the pain I feel in being the other mother. I don't talk about it because really, ultimately, I have gained so much joy from my children's' adoptions that it seems wrong to dwell on it. In addition, I know my pain to be minor compared to the pain that Jack's birth mother feels.

But I am going to talk about my pain here because too little that is honest is ever said about the pain experienced by adoptive parents. And what we don't talk about twists our hearts in ugly knots. It turns us into neurotic animals driven by jealousy.



I love both of my children to distraction. And there is a part of my heart that wishes, very deeply, that there was no challenge to my "motherness." That part of me wants to be the only mother. My biggest loss in adoption is the loss of singularity as a mother. I cannot regret the loss of genetically related children; how could I in the face of my two, beautiful children? But I will never be the "one and only" mother for them.
And as we reconnect birth and adoptive families and the two mothers come face to face, we must also acknowledge that our differences make telling the truth difficult sometimes. Our ages, the families that raised us, what we do, our ethnicities, where we live...the list of our differences could go on and on.

This is exactly what I am going thru now. Thank you ((Brenda)) for sharing this here.

I have been struggling with my ds adoption. Not understanding why I find it easy with my dd and so hard for my ds. When I read the article Brenda share, it all made sense to me now. I wanted him to be all mine. I wanted to be his only mother. I willingly and lovingly shared my dd because I got to meet her bmom and form a bond with her at the time of placement, but for my son, that did not happen and it was easy to pretend she didn't truly want him when I didn't see her pain.

My son came to me as a closed adoption. Even though I wanted an open adoption for my second child, it did not turn out that way in the beginning. Can I say a part of me was secretly happy when I found out his bmom wanted no contact. A part of me thought, he is ALL MINE. I rejoiced in that small notion for a couple of months. This is ONE child that I will not have to share, that will not have another mother in his life like my dd. I didn't realize this until I read Brenda's article. I never put it to words. I thought I was missing the genetic link to my children, but that never felt right to ME since I have no regretts about not having bio. children, but I do have regretts about not being their only mother, that is what I think I have to greive, if I may say that.

After having my son for 3 months, I put my feelings aside because I didn't want my son to see his sister having this relationship and for him to feel as if he was not loved by his bfamily. So I wrote to his bmom and I asked her to consider having an open adoption with us.

I heard nothing back until the day she showed up on my doorstep and introduced herself as my son's mother. ............. That started the second most emotional journey of my life. Part of me resented myself for doing this. Then part of me felt for her, thought she was a nice person and I wanted my son to know his roots, but another part of me sulked and twisted and hung with uncertainity because now I WILL NEVER BE the only mother to my children.

I see now that I also threw barriers into this relationship which I caution others not to do. I might have made it harder and while we are still trying to find our common ground, I feel as if I twist and turn with emotion about it all and we are having a rough time finding our way.

Reading the article Brenda shared with us, helped me understand why I was feeling so twisted. Why I feel this way. I thank you ((teegrainca)) for sharing your feelings with us and ((Brenda)) for sharing that article.

I do have peace in that I know what ((My heart)) speaks about is true..

Originally Posted by myheart

I understand completely!
I just wanted you to know that our experiences in adoption are ever evolving. Feelings do become easier to deal with, as time goes by. What bothered us in the begining may not bother us __years down the line. We're going on almost 8 years in this adoption world and those feelings have pretty much subsided.

I know when my dd open adoption started, I was a little uneasy wondering where do I fit in now. Each visit I had struggles with, things she said bothered me or I took something the wrong way. Then a funny thing happened. I started to look forward to the visits and really started to enjoy them.

I wondered why I couldn't feel this way about my sons bmom. I felt alone and if not for this thread and this forum, I felt as if I was lacking as an open adoption mother because I WAS NOT at peace with it all. I felt I was a fraud but my heart is sincere, so it was so confusing.

At times, those feelings do sneak up on you and as Jenna talked about they pass and it's normal. I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE NORMAL. I thought if I was a GOOD open adoption Mother, I wouldn't feel those feelings and when I did, I did not like myself and I became angry and lashed out at others when really I was upset with myself for not being able to handle this better.

((Teegrainca)) your not alone. There are so many more like us that are not bad people or shouldn't feel guilty for how we feel, it is all normal. I know ((My heart)) is right. In time it will become easier. It does help to be able to talk about them in the right place. To be with others who understand and are in the 'SAME BOAT".

I hope some part of this has helped you. We are here for you and I thank you for helping me see the light.