|
First as a Birthsibling, I can tell you--That letting your children know ALL ALONG they ahd another sibling WAS the right thing.. I didnt find out about my sister til I was 17.. I felt lied to stolen from..basically that everything in my life was a huge lie.. If my family could keep MY SIBLING from me , what else were they hiding. As I ahve got older I ahve adjusted, adn come to understand that they thought they were doing best for both ME and my Adopted sibling.. But it still leads me to question everything I am told by them.
I also am dealing with a similiar situation with my children, as you are. I ahve two younger half sisters, from my daddy. I didnt know there whereabouts till he passed away--So basically I ahd to call and tell them their father(whom neither ahd seen in 13 yrs) had passed away, and btw oh yeah, I am your much older sister. (Thier ages at the time were 15 and 17). to say the least they are still (more then a year later) unsure how to react towards me. My children are very excited to ahve aunts so close to their ages (my daughter especially--she is 11) She has tried so hard to ahev a relationship with her aunts--and basically got knocked down at every turn. I feel my sisters are afaid to get involved with their neice, because that would force them to accept me. Which they are not ready to do yet. They still ahev so many unresolved feelings about our father--that they tend to see me as the whipping boy since daddy isnt here to take it out on.. and at their age as painful as it is I ahve to accept it--Of course I can not explain that to my 11 year old. SO I just let her call when she wnats to--or write letters, or emails when she feels like it. I feel even with there turmoil--as long as it isnt ME doing the writing contacting--Surley they cna understand my daughter is an innocent in the relationship also. So what I am suggesting to you-is let your children communicae as they need to--Have them write letters or emails--draw pictures or send cards. Have everything in their handwriting.. and make sure they are mailed--or sent. Your older daughter will recieve them--then it is up to her--As a birthsibling I know the relationship between the birthparents and the birthsiblings is very diffrent.
The birthsiblings offer NO threat to the adoptees way of life. I know that hurts, but especially at your birthdaughters age--She is confused about loyalty, etc. She probably is having much difficulty trying to figure where everyone fits into her life. At 18 most kids dont appreciate the power one set of parents have on them--Two would be over whelming. I know my sister(the adopted one) still has trouble to this day(our reunion is going on three years and she is 27). She loves our mom, but feels she is betraying her parents by loving her. She can not show our mom any affection.. and basically doesnt want to. She does though want her children to know and love their nana. It is just basically a confusing situation for all involved. Her parents can say all day long how they appreciate my mom for the gift she gave them--but their words mean little, when you see the pure fear on their face at every mention og my mother. Now I am not saying anything against my sisters parents. Only what is understandable so. I think(and this is purely my opinion--from dealing with many adoptees, a-parents--and birthfamilies) That most a-parents, feel they were given a gift--but are so afaid teh giver is gonna change there mind, that the fear is what leads ther world. Does that make sense. It is like they WANT to acknowledge how great the bfamily is, but by doing so gives the bfamily an upper hand. They also live in fear of the "labels" the world put on bmothers. They are afraid whatever "trouble" caused bmothers to choose adoption will somehow hurt their child. It isnt fair--and I dont agree--but it is understandable. They are protective of their child as any parent would be.
|