My son just turned 2 this month. FOr the first 1 and a half, I had a completely open adoption, letters, emails, phone calls, visits. But then this summer the amom said that she didnt want me coming as often (i was gonig about every 3 months) and she didnt want it to be for as long either. she wanted to cut it from 8 hours of visitation down to 4. This was hard for me to handle. Partly becuz it is a 2 hour drive each way. And partly becuz when we discussed the level of openess before my son was born, they said i could visit whenever i wanted to, as long as they had notice. i was giving them a week or two and making sure that the visits fit into their schedule. this summer though, the amom and i had a big fight and she said a lot of things that really hurt me. i haven't seen my son since april becuz of what she said. in a way though, i feel that this is what i need to do becuz i couldnt greive before. by the time i was starting to get somewhere, i would see him in person and start back over in square one. i think that the separation has helped. But i still miss my son terribly.
Also, whenever I talked to the amom, i always felt that i had to censor myself and i couldn't tell her some things. not that they are vulgur, but becuz she has complete control over if i can see him or not so i was afraid to say anything that would make her take all contact away.
So, if u r an amom, and u want to know things about the bmom, please please PLEASE be prepared to accept her for who she is. Try not to judge her too harshly. And if you open the door, keep it open. You will not only frighten her, but you will confuse her and the child involved. As your child gets older (s)he might see it as "If you don't accept my bmom/bdad how can you accept me, as I am a product of them." So I just ask that in any situation in the adoption traid that you THINK long and hard about things before you say them. And when you do, be gentle about it. This whole relationship between parents and child is very delicate and everybody feels different about it.
Stephanie
sweetheart535_01@yahoo.com