Hi Maria,
The approach Susan shared is pretty much the way we've handled the situation with our son. He's Russian - 4 1/2 now - and we've always talked about him being born in Russia and "being a strong Russian boy" (That's funnier if you say it with a Russian accent.
) We make his heritage a prominent topic when appropriate.
When he was 3 he made a comment one night about coming from my tummy. Some of his classmates at school had recently enjoyed the arrival of new siblings, so he kinda had a rough idea of the way things work. So I just matter-of-factly corrected him by telling him he came from another lady's tummy but God told his Dad and I to come to Russia and bring him home because he was meant to be with us, much the same as his Dad and I chose each other. We went back and forth a little on that. He was confused a little, but 3-year-olds don't usually spend an enormous amount of time dwelling on things.
We have since had conversations about how sometimes ladies who have babies can't keep them and God chooses other parents for them. And we have often talked about returning to Russia to find our "Luke," who will be his younger brother. He'll be old enough next year when we go to understand what's going on to some extent since we intend for him to be an active participant in the process.
We have recently used the term "adopted" more in our conversations. Previously, we used terms like chosen or said God chose us all to be together. (It helps that we truly believe that. We used the term adoption intermittantly, but it was not our preferred description because it entailed more of a legal explanation he wasn't quite ready for.) He also has seen the 4-minute video we reveived as part of his referral several times. We talk about the nurse holding him and the voice in the background is our friend Anatoli whom God asked to help us find him. But I want him to be prepared to answer questions from his peers and not feel like it's anything other than the miracle it is - but not something unique.
A friend told her 9-year-old daughter who was adopted and complained of classmates asking what she deemed intrusive questions: "Honey, they're just curious. It's along the same lines as if you were born a twin or a triplet. It's just different from their experience, different from what they know." I thought that was a great explanation for a 9-year-old.
Age appropriateness is the key to his successful understanding of his life story. Good luck and God's blessings.