[Barksum]

Mom2: I asked Dh if he wished that he'd been kept together with his sibs and he was shaking his head no before I even finished my sentence. As with everything in adoption there are many fascets to this whole question about siblings and keeping them together.

This can be a wonderful gift for siblings; it can also be a very tragic continuence of abuse. Sometimes abusive patterns are so instilled into children that to keep them together does not allow either the abuser or the abusee to break out of the cycle. Some children need to not live together for the best to be brought about for both of them. This is not the case in every situation, and sometimes children can be placed back together after a time. It really just depends on the individuals an their situations.

Anyway, Dh does not regret not growing up in the same household as his sibs. He did have contact with some of this sibs while growing up. Additionally, each of the sibs has dealt with their foster care experiences in a different way, but they fall roughly into two groups. One group has wanted to put all the abuses and problems as far behind them as possible, the other groups seem to be 'stuck' right where they were when the abuses happened, not every able to get beyond them. This is not to say that either group has wholly healed and "conquored" the issues they face, they just deal, or don't deal with them in different ways. Some function better in general, being self sufficient and able to cope with society in general, while others continue to be only partially able to function in society.

For Dh and his sibs living with bio family was bad; living in foster care was not always better. If they had each had the proper care and support while in the foster system I believe they would have done much better than they (in general) have done. Or at least they would have not had to sink quite so low before finding resources themselves to deal with their problems.