[Linny]

I would not wait another minute to tell your child that he is adopted. IMO......adoption should be told right off the bat.....and should be talked about often. Adoption should be told to this child as if it were the most precious thing ever.....and it is.

We have six children. Waiting for the call for the seventh. We have only three children who live at home now. These children do NOT look alike by any means; but when one asks (because one quite definately doesn't look like me), 'is this child adopted'? I answer......"OH yes! All of our children are adopted!!!" I want my kids to know that we are as proud as any birth parents could be.....we are naturally comfortable with adoption....and that is is as "natural" as giving birth!!!!! I don't believe in the idea that adoption should be 'secret'....and I find that all of the horror stories I read about 'adopted children not feeling complete' are from families that did not tell their children they were adopted, or handled adoption in such a secretive way, that the kids grew up thinking they were different and 'a second choice'. (Hope I don't make anyone mad, but this has been our experience.)

I have two grown children....different 'races' ('' "used for who on earth knows all of their 'race')....who get really uptight when people ask them "What about your REAL parents?????!!!"
They reply, "Our parents ARE are REAL parents!!!!" They don't have 'search issues' (even though we fully support them doing this as adults), and they don't have that 'oh, we are so different because we were adopted and didn't get to grow up in our birth country'.
Gotta say that I think the reason may be that we told them they were adopted and talked about it all their lives, that their birthparents loved them enough to find different homes, that adoption is 'first rate' and something to be extremely proud of. (And no, we didn't have open adoptions; though one son, by his adoption, has all names, addresses of everyone and chooses not to search..despite our encouragement).

I'd sit your little one down and say, "Honey, we need to tell you something very, very important. We want you to know that some children begin with one birthmom and then have new parents for their lives. I'd tell him that even Christ was adopted by his earthly father, that Moses was adopted, etc. I wouldn't get into that 'two parents raising him thing", because I don't believe this. I'd explain that his birthparents are important, because w/o their plans and love to 'see him into the world', he wouldn't be here. (And some of this is probably too high over his head now, but you'll know where to stop.)

Adoption has far too long been handled as 'second rate' by this society. It is another way of making a family, it isn't a momma raising a baby for someone else. It's someone making a huge sacrificeand love for the concern of their baby; And the love of an adoptive couple to raise that child. No child 'belongs' to someone else.....blood or otherwise. It is the sacrifice, love and nurturing that attributes to a loving individual I would not make the discussion one of 'she (birthmom) had, so now, we have'. Make it, "this is YOUR story, honey....and it's a WONDERFUL story....not like ANYONE else's story. He has 'more people in his story' perhaps.....but none of them is any 'better' than the other. They were/are all concerned about him being a wonderful person.

Whew! I know this is long....but it knocks right on my heart.

Sincerely,

Linny