Jen,
We saw this first hand with very young children. Our son had been passed up by a few other adoptive parents, one set flew out to see him and went home empty handed because they felt he was too sick and too old (he had just turned 3, his illness was bad teeth).
The first day we met him he was very anxious to see us. He got up early and washed his hands and face and tried to dress himself well. A caretaker had gone out of her way to tell him that the other parents didnt want him because he was not a good boy. He occassionally still wet the bed and he was "not clean".
Our faciliatator translated all of this for us after the first visit. It broke my heart. I can't imagine how a 3 year old was able to understand this and then to try and make a good impression for us those weeks later when we came out to see him.
We had our facilitator tell him over and over that he was our good boy and that we were coming back for him soon. It was heartwrenching to leave him. He just didn't understand.
Sam was home 8 months before he would let us tell him he was a good boy without telling us "no". Now, home 2 years, he tells me all the time "Momma, I'm a good boy." Usually after he does something he knows he's not supposed to do.
Gotta love that!
We also put him right into pull ups at night and told him not to worry about being wet. He would absolutely panic that he was wet. I am sure he got punished for this regularly. It took 6 months before he was dry at night. He just did it on his own one day and that was that.
Christina