[RussianJen]

I wanted to reply to a discussion that got started in the 'living with a child with FAS/FAE' thread, but didn't want to just reply on that thread, as it seemed to be a bit of a rabbit trail (especially as the conversation has turned a bit and it wouldn't have been incredibly tactful to jump in), and is an interesting subject.

Proudmommyof2 said:
"Do you think your kids were treated differently in Russia? Dennis, who was a tough little survivor, who (knock on wood) doesn't and hasn't had any issues, was a favorite in his gruppa. He's the one they'd walk around outside of the playpen, and hold. The cried over him when we took him, and kept grabbing him for one more hug.

They didn't like Tommy. That's very blunt, but true. Is it because they didn't like weakness? Tommy would just lay there (he couldn't sit up at 14 months), and maybe hold a toy. If someone took it, he would just lay there quietly. I could cry thinking about it. He was so affectionate, and wanted held the whole time throughout our visits. They would take him off of us and put him in a walker. I understood, in a way, that we'd leave, and they'd be left with a baby that wanted to be held, but still...

I know one of Stephanie's little guys was the favorite in his gruppa, but I'm wondering about the rest of the kids that demonstrated needs...."

I'd like to reply with what I know.

I...am not sure how to write this without sounding incredibly cold-hearted, but I also want to give y'all the truth.

All the caretakers I've ever met (yes, I said all) have favorites, and make that known not only to everyone they work with, but all kids as well. Daily I hear and have heard since I started to understand Russian statements such as 'Lyonya, you're so irritating - you're stupid. I wish you would be more like Vanya. He's so fun to be around and he does good at his schoolwork.', or 'It's really too bad, Marina, that you're not beautiful like Irina over there. I wonder if you'll ever even get married.', or 'I can't believe you're in third grade - I wouldn't have even let a stupid boy like you pass kindergarten.'

They bring birthday presents to their favorites, and when other kids say 'MY birthday is next week', they'll look at them indifferently and say 'so what?'
Many caretakers will tell kids as parents leave with their newly adopted child 'see, if you were cute like Roma, or smart like Vanya, or charming like Lena, you'd get adopted too. But you'll never get adopted - you're not like them.'

Why do I say this? For two reasons. One - you need to understand (especially those of you who adopted older kids) where they've come from.
The second reason is more encouraging - you need to realize that you did indeed rescue these little men and women from a very bleak future.

Though it is not widely known, Russian culture is a 'shame-based' culture. Therefore, not only in orphanages but in all situations, Russians will default to shaming someone in order to encourage that person to change. They will be incredibly discouraging (in American eyes especially) and generally don't think like 'we' do about life. The idea of telling a prospective adoptive parent (like singlemama2B shared happened to her) 'this child is stupid, she'll never amount to anything' is really rather typical. I have a friend who works as a translator for adopting parents from America, and he said many times they never translate what the caretaker actually said about the kid - though the kids understand, he said Americans just can't handle hearing things like that.
Now that I am in contact with all of you, I can see it from your point of view - but I can also see theirs. Yes, it's wrong to be bitterly discouraging to kids and say awful things to them and about them while they're standing right there, but remember it's not because they're orphans. It's because they're Russian. I've watched our caretakers with the orphans and our neighbors with their own children and grandchildren both encourage and praise their kids, and say crueler things than I could ever bring myself to say to anyone in any situation!

'Comparing' seems to be altogether accepted in Russian society - particularly with kids. Caretakers, moms, dads, grandparents, and many others will often compare two kids, in the hopes of shaming the one into trying harder to be like the other. When a kid has problems with his homework (and believe me, Russians are generally very perfectionistic), they will lay his entire future before him - I actually heard a lady tell her grand-daughter 2 days into her first year of school "your handwriting looks so awful, I get scared you'll even be able to get a job when you grow up. You can't understand how important this is because you're stupid. I can't believe you're going to embarrass me like this - MY grand-daughter can't even write legibly. You're 6 years old, and you can't do simple math problems or even write your name in pretty script!" When the little lady burst into tears, her grandmother said "that's right, sit there and cry about how dumb you are. Cry - because you'll never get a job. you'll never get a medal in school, you'll never go to university, you'll never be anything."
Of course this just made the little girl look at her with hate in her eyes and say "I will TOO - I'll show you, I'll write prettier than you do." To which her grandma said "Ha. You'll never do anything good like I have because you're lazy and dumb and you can't even write the letter A."

That conversation made me sick to my stomach. However, it's not in any way exclusive.

I could go on for a long time about this, but it's already getting to be a very long post! So I will continue by saying the second reason for my writing this is to share with you why I believe you have 'rescued' these kids.

We've thrown around a lot of statistics the past couple of weeks on different threads - here's another one from the MOE - 90% of orphanage graduates will be deceased or in jail within 10 years of graduating. That means out of a hundred 17-year-olds who leave orphanages for tech school, jobs, or other pursuits, there will only be 10 living27-year-olds who are not in jail. Our kids' aspirations when they talk with us at age 15 or 16 are generally to join the mafia or live without working (boys), get married to a rich man and live in a big house in Paris (a few of our girls), or, as candidly put by three of our girls, 'be a lady of the night and get rich that way'.

When a caretaker, who must refuse to attach themselves to the kids they work with, see these kids come into orphanages from all different backgrounds (most of them devastating) and with all different behavioral issues, know the above shared statistics and can attest to them (most of our caretakers have a higher stack of death notices from their former charges than personal letters) from personal experience, they become even harder and, instead of realising that they themselves are perpetuating this problem, they become embittered and detached.

Add to that the fact that a caretaker's salary barely pays the rent and gas bill (it is impossible to live on a caretaker's salary alone - that is just fact) every month, let alone groceries, phone bill, clothing (which is a big deal in a place where winters are severe), school supplies for their own kids, etc. etc., it becomes rather clear that the situation is bleak. So, most of our caretakers work a 40-hour work week with the kids, plus another job somewhere else, plus try to raise their own family. Many of our caretakers' kids see them before they leave for school in the morning and that's it - they're already in bed by the time mom gets home.

So that's a little glimpse into another aspect of it.

Sorry for being so long-winded, but I wanted you to know a little more.

I don't write all of this to be discouraging, but to shed some light on the situation. Your kids were favored, and most likely (I would guarantee it) told they were stupid, worthless, and unwanted. If they are older, chances are they remember only too well hearing things like 'your own mother gave you away, what makes you think I like you?' from the people who took care of them every day. By the grace of God alone, now you have them. Remember when things are frustrating, where your little people would be, had you never stepped out on the limb and brought them 'home' - truly home for the first time.

-RussianJen <><