[Barksum]

This is a very interesting thread. It has been interesting to read through the responses and see so many similarities, even if the feelings and responses to the situation differed.

I'm the spouse of a child who was in foster care from age 2 until he aged out of the system. Over the years we've discussed his feelings about foster care. He also was separated from siblings, and barred from contact. (This was common practise in the early 1960's.) He bounced around a bit, having 4 or 5 foster homes from age two until he was about age five. Some were abusive, some were ok, some were less than thrilled to have him in the home and he knew it. His cw doesn't seem to have been all that attuned to his needs, either.

At age 5 he was placed in a foster home where he stayed until he aged out of the system. They knew nothing of his experiences prior to coming to them. Dh never told them about the abuses he had suffered in other homes. He also never discussed them with his cw's. I asked him why not. He said that he didn't trust the cw's, and he was ashamed and scared, and it was all too private, to tell his parents. I think his exact words were something like, "Yeah, like I'd give myself a papercut and THEN pour lemon juice on it." Neither the cw or his parents ever asked, either. This seems strange now, but at the time there was no real training offerred or required for foster parents, certainly nothing about abuses and how to discuss them. I'm not sure what cw's were being trained to think at the time, but much of the beliefs held by the psych professionals at the time have been disproven or drastically changed in the last decade.

His new family wanted to adopt him but were not allowed to. In the state where he resided foster parents were encouraged to not work too hard to bond with their foster children thus leaving them free to continue to maintain love and bonding with their bio family. They were also barred, at least in practise if not by law, from adoption. This belief and the resulting trend only began to change in the late 1970's and up even into the mid-1990's through foster parents suing the state to be allowed to adopt their foster children, and then through a class action lawsuit on behalf of foster children in the state. Additionally, parental rights of both bio parents were never terminated, and his bio parents were not in a position to parent, so he remained in legal limbo.

He says that he knows his parents (foster) loved him and wanted him to be their legal son so he didn't feel unloved or unwanted by them. However, he also knew that at any time the cw could show up at the door and he would be forced to move. He also knew that his parents could not afford a lawyer to fight for him in court, so the move would be largely uncontested. This constant possibility of being moved created alot of anxiety for him, and he had some difficulties because of it. The 'piece of paper' is VERY important to a child; it means that he is legally and bindingly part of that family. It means that all the teachers at school have to call him by THAT last name. It means he belongs and no one can say, "Oh, he's JUST your foster son."

He had many difficulties in early adulthood due to his parents' (sorry, FOSTER parents') deaths and being left totally alone without familial support. As with many children who've experienced early childhood trauma, and with the ongoing trauma of a lack of permanent legal stability, he struggled to mature within the same timeframe as "normal" teens his age. Being booted rather abruptly into Real Life when his parents' died was a bit distressing and he was rather unprepared both mentally and logistically for independant living.

He did 'reunite' with bio family when in his mid-20's. The sibs remain fragmented, some in contact with each other, some in contact with only one other sibling, etc. Some of the famiy are functioning well, while others are in varying degrees of dysfunction. The bio parents are now also deceased.

He had minimal face-to-face contact with bio parents while growing up, but at about age 10 or so he requested that he not have to meet with either bio parent. He did apologize to his bio parents for this when he met them again as an adult. His bio father was understanding, his bio mom less so. She maintained more of a fantasy view of the situation than what the facts (at least those known to me) would support. (ie: that she really could have reunited all the siblings, parented them, and maintained a happy home life in spite of her alcoholism and other issues.)

I've asked my Dh if he was sad he was not left with his bio family. He looked at me in frank disbelief that I would ask such a thing; he is eternally grateful that he was not raised by his bio parents. While he is sad and hurt by the abuses sufferred, and the trauma involved in his life, he loves his parents very much and is glad for the time he had with them. So much so that he had his last name changed to that of his deceased foster parents' just prior to our marriage.

A few years after we were married we became foster parents. We have also adopted from foster care. Through this process Dh has been able to face many old memories and the residual effects. He's a wonderful husband and father. He is reliable, stable and kind. Our life is pretty much like anyone else's. We have ups and downs, he has his own little foibles, I have mine. We each have to be patient with the other's hang ups. Yes, there are residuals from being abused. Yes, there are residuals from being in foster care, and also from not being adopted. We are all shaped by our experiences. Dh has made a concentrated effort to not be defined by the negative things that happened to him, but rather to live happily and with responsibility in spite of them.

As one other poster mentioned, he "found religion" with his family (foster...sorry LOL) and this has been the single most important gift his parents gave to him. It is what he clung to through the really difficult times. And just so you know, there were some extremely difficult times. I've not given many details, but his life was not easy, and there were many dark periods. He began to make significant progress in his late 20's and has continued to do well from that point on.