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Hi Lynn - I am new to this group as of tonight. I have a story similar to yours. Right now it is a torture test every day. My daughter and I once had a very close relationship. That started to change when she was about 13 years old. Mostly I thought it was typical teenage stuff that most parents go through. She is now 18 and the last 5 years have been horrendous. Exactly one year ago we introduced her to her birth mother because we wanted to do anything that would help her with the emotional issues she had. We tried numerous counselors. Basically the counselors said that she just wouldn't open up. We did family therapy and individual therapy for her. Over the years she became more and more secretive, pulled away from us and became very angry. She has turned her father and me into villains. She says we expected perfection of her. We just wanted her to do her best. I could go on and on but it is enough to say that it was a constant spiraling downward. She left for college this summer but not on very good terms. She lives in a town about 30 minutes away. She doesn't want to see us. She doesn't call and is very abrupt and even angry when I call. She has what appears to be a very good relationship with her birth mom. I like her birth mom. I am happy for my daughter that maybe a hole in her heart may now be filled. The problem is that I now have a huge hole in my heart. The thought of waiting five years to have her come back to me is unbearable. How did you survive it? It fills my every waking moment. I wonder if she is angry at me because we adopted her. I wish I knew what she wanted from me now. It is very hard to live like this day to day. I could tell from your writing that you have walked the path I am now on. I am so happy for you that your daughter is returning to you. It gives me hope. I pray someday that I will be able to post a message similar to yours. To all the happy adoptees and birthmothers who read this please understand that it is not that adoptive mothers don't want to share their precious child with you. It is just that after 18 years of loving, nurturing and cherishing this child it is so incredibly painful to be cast aside and rejected. If I had a promise that after 5 years of this suffering she would come back to me and we would have a wonderful relationship once again I think I could get through this. Unfortunately, no such promises exist. How did you get through this? I think you said you gave up. Is that how you survive this? You have absolutely no expectations and so you are not devastated day after day. Anyway, I wanted you to know that it was so good to know that I am not the only one to go through this. There is no one to talk to about this. Friends who are biological parents could not begin to understand this. I realize that a birth parent's happiness would make it difficult for them to understand or even recognize the adoptive parent's pain. It is not the pain of sharing. It is the pain of separation and rejection. Thank you Lynn for helping me to see that I am not alone. This is a very lonely situation to be in. Very few people would be able to relate and understand.
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