[BrandyHagz]

Mandalyn,

I think your expectations of your child’s birthmother are a little unrealistic. Sure, it would be nice if she could just be happy and live with the consequences of her actions, but you also need to acknowledge her pain and allow her to grieve. This isn’t easy for anyone…your greatest joy is a result of her greatest pain…what you see as a happy event, she equates to the saddest event. Seeing a child happy, healthy and loved is wonderful, I agree – but it could also be a constant reminder of her failure as a mother to the child she placed for adoption.

You can not expect her to feel as you feel. You can’t expect her to be happy because you think she should be happy. Having any preconceived expectations in adoption is almost always a precursor to failure. Please, take a step back and acknowledge her emotions and feelings. Tell her that her emotions are ok, because they are ok. She needs to know that its ok to be sad, upset, angry, irritated, frustrated etc…and she needs to know that you acknowledge those feelings, but that in the end, you are both there to support the child.

I am not saying that its ok for her to act angry, upset, frustrated or irritated in front of the child…but sadness is a given. She is seeing ‘what could have been’ every single time she sees that wonderfully happy child with you…she is reliving the ‘what ifs’ of her decisions every time she gets a picture in the mail…those feelings need to be acknowledged and addressed…only then, will she start to be able to deal with them (notice I said deal, not get over…she may never ‘get over’ them).

Open adoption is a lot of work – for everyone involved. It takes huge amounts of commitment, sacrifice and respect…just as you wish for her to acknowledge your roll as mother and the roll you play in the child’s life, I’m sure she wishes for you to acknowledge her roll as the birthmother and the pain involved in making that very difficult decision, which carries lifelong pain for many birthparents.

The best way to garner respect and acknowledgment for your roll is to give respect and acknowledgment. Its hard, as are most things in open adoption – but the rewards are amazing, for everyone involved.